Ending May: Mid-Year review

You seem flustered, long day?

Hell yes!! I woke up to a black out, I get to uni and morning class is cancelled, reading for professional exams is a total bitch and the 2 hour class discussion with the lecturer was very mind joggling. Plus the heat! Random weather we’ve got going here.

I see, what would make it better then?

You know what would be really, really nice? A cappuccino grande from Java. With Apple pie.

So what did you think about the month of May?

Ummm, I’d say interesting. With a dash of surprise and a pinch of pain!

Really? Tell us more.

I clarified things, got hurt, laughed my arse off, got drunk as usual (though i’ve been clean for a week) and got put in my place.

Tell us about your love life.

Well, i ran into an old flame and clarified things, but totally mistook his actions. Missing your ex does not translate into reconciliation. He just wanted to talk. People who miss others do that apparently. Excuse me for reading the wrong signs. Another man turned me down. Personally i think he likes another guy, the whole “i’m not looking for a relationship” vibe (even when i didn’t ask about that topic) gave him away. Oh well. Did i mention the old flame said the same? mmm yes.

How would you rate your last sexual encounter, on a scale of 1 to 5…?

That’s quite difficult! Would 3 be mean?

Why?

Just because you’ve got a big tool doesn’t mean you’ll wow me entirely. If he were a car, he’d be a Lexus LS460. Good to handle but no soul in the driving experience!

What would you recommend?

You know, there’s this book called the Kama sutra…

Where would you like to go for a weekend getaway?

Nanyuki! There’s Mt. Kenya, wild animals and nature! Camping or a nice secluded lodge is an idea.

On to shopping, what was your most recent purchase and why?

A cell phone pouch. I’m tired of coins scratching the screen.

Do you think it’ll help you?

I sure hope so!

June is usually highlighted as the middle of the year, what do you think so far of the year 2011?

This year has been rather unpredictable! I didn’t think i’d be where i’m at now. I knew when i started the year that it’ll be random, but i didn’t see these coming haha…

Have you achieved any goals?

Yes, i ran a marathon. I’d always wanted to do one by myself. And By run i mean half jogged and half walked, injuring my foot in the process but hey, it was totally worth it!

What do you expect from the rest of the year?

Sincerely at this rate, i’ve got no bloody idea. Maybe go somewhere far away? It seems like the most realistic thought at the moment. Have you seen the size of the passport papers?

Meanwhile, what are you listening to?

Michael Buble’s How can you mend a broken heart from his first album. Did you know he sings with the Bee gees in that song?

Why him?

His music reminds me of Art Deco periods, and he’s got such a wonderful voice! It’s refreshing to listen to his kind of jazz/swing/band music.

The next song that will play is…?

If i was God by Natalia Kills. Cool song.

Finally, any parting shot you’d like to share?

Actually yes, where’s that pink velvet elephant in the room that no one’s allowed to talk about? hmmm….

a brief take on Coming Out

The New York Times are running an interesting article that contains videos and stories of American Teens and their thoughts on coming out, how they came out and reactions to their “action”. It can be found here.

Many think coming out is a one time thing, an event. Well, it’s not! It’s something that happens over and over until you’re just like “Christ not again…” You tell individuals at the most random of times, sometimes as a joke (to be explained) and sometimes in some really compromising situations where really, the only option is to come out. This at times, occurs repeatedly! I’m always asked by random girls or guys “are you gay?”. Depending on my level of interaction or knowledge of them, i give my answer directly or indirectly. I have never denied my sexuality. Most of the time people just assume correctly. Others are plain blind!

Coming out is prepared for or unexpected, given your situation. Some have it all planned out, the sit downs with family, or confidential coffees with close friends…While others are quite literally, caught in the act! Most of the time, the unprepared ones have no idea how to explain themselves. Either way it’s definitely NOT easy! Many are scared of the reactions. Being in Sub-Saharan Africa, we most if not all the time, face opposition and hatred. For the lucky urbanites, some are accepted. It depends on your circle. It’s the case with the youth here in Nairobi. They’ve got social networking and in many cases, high school friends or neighbours with similar traits/behaviours with them thus making it easy for them to interact with other gays in society. One always knows another, are introduced to another and the cycle continues. However, they will guard it from their family until, a funny situation makes them come out. One of my younger friends’ fashion sense gave him away, another was caught in bed with the boyfriend, another had incriminating text messages e.t.c. Is it their fault? Well, Yes and No. They should monitor their environments and see whether they can be open or not. On the other hand, They’re happy being at peace with themselves (denial is a bad stage) so really they get carried away at being themselves lol!

My own coming out story to my sister’s a little bit funny, i’ll save it for another day. However, today i tried to come out to my schoolmates over pizza. A girl had asked me out to coffee, and i went in a queeny fashion saying “i’m gay”, complete with hand movement. She clearly thought i was joking. Then i said “i’m not dating women at the moment”. Her, and the rest of the group were like “those are the two worst lines you can tell a lady, just tell her you’re not interested! Seriously cuppatea..” I was quite amused with my schoolmates. I’m quite expressive of myself and my behaviour isn’t exactly the most manly… You clearly see how obvious i’ve tried to make it. So i went on to say “I’ll date women when i see fit.”

They agreed.

|Le Cri Du Coeur- In-Grid|

thoughts unedited 3: Smile

Why aren’t i being told of people’s get togethers? Unpopular much? i refuse to be told by a guest that a host, someone i call a friend, is throwing a party and they don’t let me know. But it’s all good, Clearly club bed is a cool option. Should the rapture happen i’ll be in boxers. I like this Michael Buble song with the Bee Gees though! And this whole album. I smile, just smile.

The waiters here know i’m gay for real. The company i bring with me to this joint always has their eyebrows raised a notch each time we walk in. And why does this coffee taste so good? I can’t even hold the cup straight, he’s making me nervous. Hell, i’m nervous! i’ve spilled some coffee on my pants and i’m going out tonight! Oh well, the world’s ending today, might as well look trashy while i’m at it. His arm is behind me. Oh gosh! Act cool. I had this whole conversation prepared in my head and then just look how i’m talking to him, HE makes me like this! No other human. I have mixed words like a drunk Kikuyu man from Nyeri. And he smiles. Alas, he’s not doing relationships. I didn’t even ask, what made him say that? I’ll Just smile.

Classy pool side bar. Gordons and Krest is clearly a good combination! I’m sticking to this. Emo and i look like two spoilt brats. Again. Such a chilled out evening, and look at the evening sun’s rays, i like how it makes that white building look yellow. Summer love by Denyque is such a cool song, got to get it later on. Ha, 6pm passed us by and we’ve not been raptured. LOL at the religious dumbass for punking the world. Look at that man staring at me. Just smile and catch him off guard. Just smile.

One drink and then i’m going home. Drinking at Nairobi west is at the height of alcoholism! Anyway, my last weekend out for a while…might as well. And this bar is so noisy. So now this man, he’s giving me mixed signals. He likes me i like him but he’s not going to date or get into a relationship? Bloody hell this is the second guy in a span of 6 hours telling me they don’t want a relationship. Again, i didn’t ask him. Why on earth has he told me this? Commitmophobia much? Clearly. Just smile.

I like how i’ve been derailed. It’ll be nice to see these two again, they’re really nice. Oh look, i’m high! I’m smiling even though i feel awful inside! Just smile damnit!

I’m going to get my arse lectured i know. I can’t even remember sections of last night. Ke$ha and all her glitter would’ve been proud i swear. I will never go to someone’s home that high EVER again! He’s one of my role models and then i just waltz into his home drunk. Oh my goodness i did that? Stupid vanishing memory. I must be the only person who’s memory gets erased drinking gin. good thing i was writing my activities down on the cell. I’m sitting here smiling. I just smile.

Amazing how this wall is so cold and the water from the shower’s so hot. This could be a scene from some dramatic soap! Naked man in shower leaning forward with one hand against the wall with water drops bouncing off. Classy. I’m smiling for nothing, i find art in such strange things. I smile.

Fi Hagat by Nancy Ajram’s one of those songs i just can’t describe. I could cry.

 

Forgiveness & Other things

Sunday Night, i’m in bed listening to Nelly Furtado’s song called Try. I think to myself as i fall asleep, “why is the country making noise over the nominated Chief and deputy chief Justices?” Willy and Nancy (Nominated chief justice & deputy chief justice) should be accepted as any other individual fit for the job! People are just scared of change. So, they’re pro-LGBT, who cares? It’s not like they’re going to make that their highlight, their PRIMARY task would be to reform the judicial system (a failure in this nation) and modernize it! Lesser politicians and MPigs are using the fact that the nominees have interests in the LGBT community, i.e they’re open minded, and are using this fact to claim them unfit for the posts. What a bloody shame… I cannot wait for the debate in parliament, i’ll have my fingers crossed for Willy and Nancy, they are in my opinion, fit for the posts.

In bed Monday night listening to Imogen Heap’s Speeding cars song, i really thought to myself, “really, what’s the point in carrying a grudge that someone did wrong things to you?” It’s tiresome and it makes you bitter! They say forgiveness is the biggest thing anyone can ever do. It’s not easy, putting the past behind and moving on like nothing happened. I told a few bloggers in my previous post’s comment that i’d explain why there’s no need to see/read/watch anything regarding superman… Well… I’ve forgiven him. I know right, y’all are like “bitch what the heeeeeeells wrong wit’ you?!” The answer is simple, because i can. I’ve a Ugandan friend who goes like “ah, all that drama’s so last year hun, keep up! *snap*” And you know what? HE’S RIGHT! Naturally, superman doesn’t know yet. It’s not something you say via text, or phone call. i’ll do it in person. At the party when he said “i should have treated you better, i’m sorry.” (damn right you should’ve.) i went on said, “that’s alright.” I’d normally sit with my hands crossed with a stern look but oh nooooo, i just sat there with my palms on my thighs with a smile on my face… So people, i’ve forgiven the man. I’m big enough to forgive him and put absolutely everything behind me. I see no reason why i should keep holding past events against him.Unlike others, i’m capable of extending gratuity. So there we have it, Now there’s nothing more to see/regard/watch. Life continues. Let all the comments of how foolish i am come. I will merely shrug my shoulders and smile.

Wrapped in my two duvets (the formidable cold winter is on it’s way) listening to Love Come By Sarah McLachlan. It was International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (IDAHO). It’s also the day i went to visit my friend, her mum passed away. I didn’t have time to think how “as a gay person, what can i do to celebrate the day”. Truth be told, i did nothing! It felt like an ordinary day. Yes it’s an anti-homophobic day. But that doesn’t make homophobia go away. Even though i don’t mention it here, i still get insulted, shrewd looks, laughed and shunned by some people almost every week. It’s not worth mentioning because it’s so cliche! I combat this by not taking notice of them. Ignoring them would imply that i was paying attention to them. Such a case happened recently, when i was out on the rave. Last Saturday night in Westlands, i met a former classmate in his backie (a pick up truck). This guy is loud, tall, and big. He used to laugh at me in the evening class when the lecturer made funny remarks about me. He was drinking and chewing Khat. He stops me to ask “yo, can i ask you a question, a personal question?” He has his friends. He has this sick smile on his face, a dangerous one. I was in skinny jeans and a shirt. I know what he was going to ask. But instead, i said “no, i’ll see you around.” and walked quickly to the car. My point is, even if we mark such a day every year, how does it help if us as a gay community in the country aren’t even united par se to begin with? All we get are stupid comments from daft ministers (it’s like being gay is an illness according to one lady) and little media coverage, most of the time scoffing at us. At the end of the day though, i can say i’m proud to be a gay man in this society! I can never EVER be ashamed of whom i am. I survive.

I thought i saw your face today by She & Him is playing. It’s Wednesday the 18th. I went to uni and came back home. It’s been quite the ordinary day really! I’ve been told by unreliable sources (members of the church, friends) that the world ends this Saturday the 21st. I doubt i can get intoxicated and good sex before then, but if it does end, cheers! I’ve lived a good life. When the world begins to end, you won’t find me in a church! Please excuse me while i go raid a classy liqueur store, i need to stand before our Good God intoxicated with a half empty bottle of Gordons Gin! It’s the only way i can explain myself properly ,most likely inbetween laughing my arse off hysterically at whatever unrealistic scenes i’m looking at…Imagine an angel wearing Yves Saint Laurent or Gucci. HA! Imagine that! I think the first question i’d ask would be “a burning bush, really?” Religion has been questionable to me since i heard that.

see you when you see me.

|How r u doin-Aqua| |Precious-Depeche Mode| |Only the young-Brandon Flowers|

Running To Fix Broken Hearts

See that green swarm? those are marathon runners/joggers/walkers/hyperactive children on Steroids!

The matter Heart run was really good. I got there at 6.30am, the walk commenced at 8am, and i was done by ten past 9am. 1h10min to do 10km! Not too bad for a half jogged, half walked run! I’ve got a friend who did it in 30 minutes. He’s epic… So all of us raised funds to help Fix a child’s broken heart mend children with heart ailments. Over 200 children will go for heart surgeries and live their lives like normal children! That’s a good cause yes?

During dinner with friends Saturday night, i got a text message from the most unsuspecting person. Confused, I put it away. We went for a party afterwards. Very nice one, i’m happy i’d reserved my name on the guest list, i didn’t think i’d be heading there but something told me just RSVP. So It would be here where i’d just HAPPEN to run into the sender of the text message! Karma or fate, i’ve no idea who worked that magic. I held my friends arm in panic “oh my goodness he’s here! what do i do, oh no..” i recall saying. I’m so fortunate my friends were reassuring. Told me to keep my cool and just have fun. So that i did! J-lo has a nice new song with Pitbull that i quite like.

So there’s this guy, really nice fellow. We got along instantly a few weeks back when we met at a party. Been seeing him since but it didn’t quite occur to me that he’s been prospecting me, i was told by a reliable source he had. Oh boy! I confirmed my suspicions when he sat next to me and said “so i’ve missed you…” We’d not met up for coffee in ages. I have mixed feelings about this.

The rugby player fellow is relentlessly on my tail after yet another friend forced us to dance together on the dance floor! He wants me. I can see this in his eyes. The fact he called me today said it all. Men are so obvious, “i was just calling to say hi”. Yes, yes you were! I also have mixed feelings about this! He is nice, totally smart and he’s my type. But why aren’t i pursuing him? It would be, to summate this, difficult to make him monogamous.

But this particular scene took the cake from this whole party. The sender of the text message wanted to talk. So i pulled him aside when i was ready. It took a few songs and multiple consultations with friends to decide to talk to him. We sat and we talked. I think it was what, half an hour? By party standards that’s a long time to talk. His smile, his shyness, the way he scratches his head when he’s nervous. I didn’t want to smile but i did, I didn’t want to listen but i did. What he said though, totally surprised me! People do mature. I confess, it’d been the first time in many moons that i felt that collected. The whole thing reminds me of a song by The Script, “and we just now got the feeling that we’re meeting, for the first time.” After all this, i went home (after being derailed into westlands, sigh) a really confused fellow.

You ask yourselves, who is this that made me behave the way i did?

You know him as superman.

Oh boy…

|By the time-Mika|

We, the walkers

How often do you walk?

I walk lots! Sometimes against my will. Like yesterday. As you all know, Kenya is experiencing what’s in my opinion, an artificial fuel shortage engineered by obnoxious humans seeking to make a quick million. At the expense of others. It’s a serious case, especially when your neighbour, who usually drives an Audi uses his wife’s Toyota.

I walked all the way from the bus station in the city, to my home yesterday. some 8 kilometres. There were hills, storks (hideous birds really), fumes, clouds, sweat, and many pedestrians of middle and lower classes. I was not about to pay ksh150 for a journey that costs me ksh50! Call this silent protesting. I walked. The idea was to walk to a bus stop where vehicles were more accessible. Shock on me. I kept walking. I had my music on with me, and artists like ERA, Clare Maguire, Keane, The pet shop boys e.t.c kept me company as i walked. What a walk! You know, to me, it’s not much of a big deal. I can pull this off regularly. However the ones i feel for are the mothers, who after a long day, have to go home and cook, clean and other motherly duties… or the fathers that endure long days construction then they have to walk extra distances than they ordinarily do. I hope the shortage stops! As a student, i’m suffering because of hiked fares. And ridiculous traffic! Still tryna figure out where the extra cars came from though…

All this reminded me of a song by the Ting Tings, called “We walk”. Fabulous song…

|we got the choice if it all goes wrong we walk, we walk------------->we walk-The Ting Tings|

MAY it be

Happy month of May!

May started off with me waking up sober (HA! In your face wydown) after being out the previous night with my two girlfriends and their friends. Didn’t get up to much, i went to skylux lounge (one of Nairobi’s latest chill out lounges, advertised by a few local music videos here and there) where we had drinks… i went home after, i was too tired! (i’d woken up at 5.45am that morning).

Sunday was pretty much spent indoors… didn’t do much, just watched a few movies… (watchmen is such an epic film), as the same with Monday. I woke to “Osama Bin Laden killed” news. Finally! It left me wondering who the next evil villain is… But conspiracy theorists will have a field day with this, with them wondering why his body was never shown…anyhoo, let the world be a safer place…

One of my favourite musicians finally released his new album! ATB has done it again with “Distant Earth”, a duo cd album of dance and downtempo/ambient music. It’s very nice! It’s a contender in my “album of the year” awards. i’ve been listening to it over and over and over…. have a listen below.

So with my week’s break i’ve decided to walk daily, so as to practice for a benefit marathon called the Dettol Heart Run. I’ve always wanted to participate in one, so next Saturday the 14th, i expect to be there along with hundreds of runners/joggers/walkers! I’m probably doing this alone though, some of my mates complain about walking a kilometre! They’d swoon if i told them about the run hehe. The heart run’s about raising money to send young children with heart problems to hospital. Look it up! It’s for a good cause…

I told my father i was dropping out of my 2nd degree! His reaction? '”oh okay.” He didn’t sound off or anything, just that. Gave him my reasons. “That’s fine.” he says. wow. And life continues. Some of my friends are supportive, the rest are disappointed. Erm, sorry? I find focussing on one degree and getting better grades far better than doing two degrees and getting shitty grades in them. That’s not how i operate. There’s other ways of doing more with my life!

I should go cold season shopping! I would like a few sweaters and scarves. I won’t pull off a deep V-neck sweater that every gay man’s doing right now, (then again i never follow fashion) i’ll get something warm and simple. Shopping’s never fun alone, which is why i’m busy trying to round up two noisy queens we go shopping! That should be fun right…

I’ve been playing a Susan Kamau (our local Martha Stewart/Jamie Oliver/Nigella/high woman in kitchen) today, i made a mango chutney! After my long walk i came back home with a mango and some chillies! I whipped up something that’ll be served with dinner tonight. I’ll take pictures and post them next time i’m making the dish…

Back to lounging then…

|Quelqu'un m'a dit-Carla Bruni|   |you are gold-----------> Gold-ATB ft.Jansoon|