bloggers note: i’ve been pushed to write a post by a number of people! It’s very long, pour a stiff drink.
“let’s just go have one for the road then we go home!” My classmate said. She’s very nice! Has a face of an angel, easy going, pretty, fun… all the elements of a desireable lady! She is also a first class derailer! (a derailer is a person who diverts you into other plans)
We get to a pub where we meet another classmate. “i’ve got tickets for rugby let’s go!” he says. Mind you i had a blind date in town waiting for me! “alright but i’ll leave after the match.” i say. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen! Who am i to turn down tickets to go see big buffed guys running around in tight shorts? =D Off we went!
At the stadium, it wasn’t too packed. Kenya vs ZImbabwe. Kenya played well but i felt they had no morale. Zimbabwe won! (DAMN YOU ZIM!) by such a close margin! Oh well. This is where my story begins. We’d bought a few cans of booze during the game just as refreshment. At the stadium, there’s several bars. One of them has a ridiculous name! As in someone sat down with a business plan and decided out of all the names in this world, they would call their bar Kuchi Kuchi. I kid you not. We went there and started. It had been raining and i was really delayed and the blind date kept calling and calling asking where i was. I didn’t feel like going for it so i asked him if we could postpone it. Actually my classmates made me not go for it after i told them it’s a blind date and that HE was waiting for me. Yes people i came out to my classmates officialy, though they’d always suspected strongly. Moving on swiftly, the blind date asks if he could come to where i am. I agree, on the condition he doesn’t mind my classmates. BY THE WAY how i ended up with a blind date, he added me on that social network and he talked me into meeting him.
I told my classmates that he’d be coming. And then i made a bet. “200 bob, he’s as ugly as sin” i say. “i’ll add an extra 200!” one classmate says. “where’s that 50” another says. Yes people i made a bet against someone, and i felt nothing! (what do you think the outcome of the bet was?) 600 shillings later we waited. As we were waiting, my phone pings with news, my favourite musician Amy Winehouse had passed away. “Bullshit! waiter, bring me another beer from the back of the fridge! My favourite musician has died! QUICK!” i say banging the table. I was a little shocked! (still hasn’t registered). My phone rings. He is here. I walk with a girlfriend to get him.
He is a character “on the downlow”, and his version of being “down low” is wearing skinny jeans, a scarf and a tight 3 button shirt. With a walk to match. I knooooooow…. We make the necessary introductions and sit. My classmates and i meanwhile, have a “roundabout” conversation. As the blind date and i were talking, they’d been arguing amongst themselves about who won the bet, the ladies had bet that the guys was fly and all that, we blokes were betting that he was fugly—fucking ugly! Well, to some he’s nice looking but to me, HELL NO! Anyone who knows me would know i like stocky/athletic/meaty/buff guys. So not only did my rugby team loose, my fave musician dead, but my blind date was not aesthetically pleasing. Shit.
And then he orders a Guinness. Bloody hell! The evening continues. I finished my booze, and promptly ordered another one. I wasn’t anywhere near high for all this! He proceeds to literally, interrogate my classmates. A girlfriend sends me a text saying “aaaw he’s got a good personality”. I text back saying “girl please, his head is the focal point of his body", its HUGE”. And then he asks, “so why are you single?”
He pushed all the wrong buttons. “Gee, i don’t know!” i say, i ask my classmates, “why am i single?” they snigger. They eventually said it’s because i’m picky. True. We have one more round and wind up. Time to head home. So we part ways with the blind date, who mind you, was high on one bottle. I’d been noticing he was getting a bit disoriented. Shame. Please note if you want to date me you one of the traits should be to have a higher tolerance level than me! That is all.
The road home has an area full of clubs and pubs. “let’s just greet a friend of mine for a few minutes then we head home.” she says. I was like “sure why not!” We park and head into the club. The spot we sat in was right next to the DJ. Complete with a sub woofer. A very big one! We continue drinking. I confess, the highness kicked in. I confess the blind date had me drinking like the booze was water and my classmates are serious drinkers themselves, by the time we’d got to the club, i’d had 6 bottles. Not including the beer cans from earlier. This is when i started getting high. The music was so danceable! I danced. Then i got bored with the music. Whipped out my wallet and paid the DJ a thousand bob to play soul music for an hour. He gladly accepted. I danced. And danced. And danced. 1am reaches and my hour expires, the music is that whole “gully creeper” shit so i sat. Still chatting with classmates. They’d also started getting drunk and forcing me to drink theirs. I absolutely hate Smirnoff black ice! 4 years ago i was a fish in water with it. I cannot even stand the taste. Yet i drank the damn thing! 2am. Another friend of mine calls me. He is high and says he’s coming over to the club we’re in. half an hour later i’d even forgot he was coming. So We’re leaving and then my friend, high as ever, says “so and so are the the club next door, lets go say hi!” you mean let’s go say HIGH! Which we did. Another hour of drinking and conversation. By this time one of the ladies was on the verge of blacking out. One bloke apparently has feelings for one of my girlfriends. So You know what he did?
He deliberately punctured his tire.
I know! Just to get her attention! 3am and here we are at a parking lot looking at a flat tire. People are arguing and They’re too drunk to change tires so i volunteer. The scissor jack collapsed even before i got it up, he conveniently forgot to mention that. Luckly i hadn’t jacked up the car yet. We get another one from the other car. Change the tire. He then locks his keys inside his car. “fuck this shit, cuppatea lets go home.” she says. We enter the car, all of us. Lucky for us it’s an offroader so there’s loads of space. 4.30am. The time i got into my bed! See? i got home! eventually.
Bloggers note again: those of you who are drinking tea or any other hot substance reading this post, go make another cup or reheat the damn thing, i’m not done.
Sunday morning
I woke up drunk! Yes i slept for 3 hours because of these churches with giant P.A systems blaring out their music at ungodly hours! Once i wake up i cannot sleep. So i’m making tea and checking my notifications. I then tell the friend who’s coming that “he stood me up.” in a joking fashion. He texts back to say he’ll come over in the afternoon. No amount of tea could stop my highness from going away. I think i had like 6 litres of alcohol in my system! Food helped. The hangover that came afterward was just…. So my friend comes. He’s gay yes. I told him to come indoors because i don’t believe in people parking outside home, you host guests properly! He meets my brothers and sisters. And cousin. He is hangovered as well. So we talk and somewhere along our conversation, with my cousin in the sitting room, says “so there was this guy with sexy lips at the place i was in last night”. My cousin looks up. I didn’t care, we just continued talking! He either ignored our conversation or doesn’t care. I was to go see a friend to explain why i didn’t make it for his house party (oh yes i’d been invited to a gig which i ended up not going so it’s only polite to go apologize in person). I tell my brother i’d be back to cook.
We drive to my friends place. Turns out he knows my other friend! Small world. There was left over wine so i tackled that whilst telling him about the previous nights’ activities and why i couldn’t come. An hour later that wine bottle was empty and i was high again! My other friend is on vodka. He gets tipsy. This is what we call Balance brought forward. Adding more alcohol the next day to your system which hasn’t digested/absorbed the booze will get you high easily. 6pm reaches and i had to get back home to cook. Not before cracking people up with my conversations though!
Back at home, there’s no electricity. I cook anyway. I can cook when i’m high as well! CUI: cooking under the influence! I’d invited my friend over for dinner seeing as he brought me back home so he was company in the kitchen. Dinner is ready. We serve, eat and relax. Mind you my cousin knew i was high, as did my brother and the ayah. Whoops! My chicken curries are always a hit though! My friend says “i feel like another drink”. So did i! So i told my brother “im going for an hour to get a CD”. I know! He was like “mmmmhmmm”. This is 9pm and of course i can’t tell him i’m going to drink ON A SUNDAY EVENING haha! So we go to a local pub and chat. My friend sadly is bottom like me so we can’t really do anything. We talk about how we like each other, the days events, previous nights out. What are we drinking? GIN! a whole bottle went down in an hour. We were so high when we got back home we’d even forgot we were “getting a disc”. I found a music cd in the car so that helped lol! We made out. And in the process of making out my brother opens the gate!!! I think he saw us making out. Meh.
He says he was coming to see what the noise outside was. It was us talking loudly. He goes back in and we collapse laughing! I was outside the car and my friend in the car so it must have looked like i was leaning in to talk. I think lol! We say our goodbyes and i go indoors. Use the internet (you should see all my drunken activites on facebook---they’re hilarious!) and shortly after, black out on my bed. UPSIDE DOWN!
Woke up this morning at 11am and My brother says to me he put me in bed, in the correct position and removes my earphones. I couldn’t even drink my tea! Pain killers and a shower later here i am!
What a whirlwind weekend that was!
Amy Winehouse will get her own post after this one. She’s what i’m listening to at the moment.
|Close to the front-Amy Winehouse|
