Ending October: Thunderstorms

Yes here in Nairobi thunderstorms aren’t very popular. My frail little umbrella and i were nearly carried away by the violent winds we’ve been having lately that come with the storms.
Friday started off on a high note, i had a date on that day! I looked neat i think. I was going to meet that nice fellow i was introduced to the other day. Unfortunately, i got stood up! And the traffic headed home was absolutely horrible!
Sitting in standstill traffic, with the rain, on a hill that inclines 55 degrees with a grumbly cab driver and two of your friends sleeping, i thought to myself and asked this very basic question, “what are manners nowadays in this gay society of mine?” and clicked my tongue. I believe it’s written as NKT typographically.
I got an apology today from him. A full two But that story dies here. He’s not a serious contender that one.

Watched a play this weekend, The house of Bernada Alba by Federico Lorca. Acted by the phoenix players, i found this play very interesting! The character of Bernada reminds me that of my own mother!

I’m currently reading a thousand brilliant suns by  Khaled Hosseini. It’s such a gripping book, in two days i’ve almost completed it! I’m going to go and find his other book after i finish this one.

November, November, what do you have in store for me?

|5 & 6- Naeto C|

Out again

Today i was casually sat in class, waiting on a club meeting to begin whilst i read a novel, when a schoolmate of mine came and sat next to me. She’s tall, beautiful, with a strong attitude. She dresses with class. She had a scarf around her head. It’s amazing she’s single, but like me, she’s pretty selective.

Her: ”hi, sorry to bother you but i wanted to ask you something important.”
Me: “That’s alright, what’s on your mind?”
Me: “Okay, don’t take it personally, and i know you’re not, but some of my friends were talking and i heard them say “you’re gay” and i told them no, you’re not. You’re not like that”

I knew where this conversation was heading. I smiled, put my book down and turned to face her. Her face had an aspect of nervousness and curiosity at the same time. She gripped her leather bag firmly with both her

Her: “So i just wanted to ask and confirm, are you…you know…like that?”
Me: (smiling still) by saying “like that” you mean gay?
Her: “yes. It’s okay you don’t have to answer…I’d told them you’re not”

But she looked so eager to know, and honestly, in that quick second of thought i decided to tell her. I could have said no, those are just rumors but honestly, it gets tiring to hear all sorts of things. So i burst out laughing, not at the thought of coming out for the umpteenth time, but at her composure! Usually she’s calm and collected but today her composure was a very nervous one.

Me: “Yes i am.”
Her: “Nooo you can’t be serious! Seriously?”
Me: “yes really, 100%.”
Her: “Woooow!”

To cut a long story short she asked me if i was really sure or if i was bisexual but i told her i was totally gay. She wants to sit down with me soon to ask further questions.
Coming out isn’t a one time thing, it happens every other day. I’m used to people’s reactions, both positive and negative.

The doors of the closet keep being opened.

|Flashback- Calvin Harris|

Long Weekends

I’m back in the city after a 4 day get-away (it was really a forced trip) with my family. My cousin is officially engaged to a very nice man! It was one of those dowry (bride price?) functions. The groom’s family insisted they had to have it done. My family is quite secular, on my mother’s side at least.

Before i went i went, i with my classmates Wednesday (Thursday was a public holiday) after class (you can see where the story’s headed already), one of them was celebrating his birthday. So there was this bar with no name where shots are ridiculously cheap! I wonder if i should tell you the story…..or not? I’ll tell you anyway, clearly i’m an alcoholic at this stage in life! Honestly i said i’d have a few and go home. Instead, i found a whole bottle of gin being opened. A few hours later, i was pinting with the police! We’d gone to this randomly nice bar near a certain prison, that’s actually government owned. It’s got leather seats, ceramics and flat screens. That was interesting, because my classmate (he’s middle aged) knows many senior cops. Much fun it was! I got home and found my siblings awake. So they say. I have no idea how i got home (Government land-rover i came to find out later) or how i got into bed, all i know is they have VERY damning photos of me in boxers blacked out in an awkward position in bed. With a very odd smile.

Hangovered on Thursday and i was to travel with my brother. The rest would come Saturday. My hair being shaved off at the barber shop (that place has male gossipers!) was agony, and then i had to pack and go! At least the journey there was uneventful. In that town, i have several friends both gay and hetero. I hit them up. Well one of them threw a hissy fit when i didn’t call immediately? At least i made effort to say hi and meet him sheesh… That day Friday i had lots of errands and was only free later that afternoon. This is where i learned that really some people take your efforts for granted. At least my fabulous diva friend laughed me into oblivion, the town’s quite reserved, and here were two men laughing out loud over tea! By the way the place had FLY men! I see where someone i know got his looks from.

Saturday we had a party for young cousins only, we threw the adults out. Loud music, lots of food and drink, oh yes that was definitely fun! There was this cute family friend who got invited, and i think it was a little obvious that i kept looking at him. He’s quite the charmer! Anyway i stepped out to meet a girlfriend of mine briefly and i came back, half an hour later, to see one of my cousins utterly intoxicated. The fellow was entertaining… Putting him to bed, was not. We partied until the last ones said good bye. This is where things got interesting; we had to share a mattress, my cousin and this family friend. I was also quite high (who knew guava juice and famous go well?) So i chucked my pants and got in.. My cousin beating me to it! Then this guy removes his boxers and gets in. In the morning, i found my leg crossed with his and his chest (but no wood) against my back! And he had a body, i couldn’t help but take a sneak peek… Nothing happened between he and i, it was just nice to wake up to Greek Athlete’s bodies! It’s sad, this is what i’ve been reduced to, admiring some lady’s boyfriend! I couldn’t help but feel a little envy when she hugged him! Lucky woman.

That was Sunday morning. We had to go for that function, which was being held at my uncles farm. I get there, and it’s orders up and down! My family has this whole perfectionism thing going on (that should tell you people something about me) so when the grooms family came and we were still setting up there was this whole tension that was just annoying! And then because of tradition, only the eldest were allowed to sit the damn thing. Meaning i couldn’t sit with them and see what was going on. Traditional Hogwash! After the function we left for the capital, a 3 hour ride. I get home and crash.

I’d really wanted to skip school today (fatigue talked, motivation said no) but i pushed myself to go! This long weekend i had provided some thought for me which ill share at a later date.
So this aside i’ve got no dramas happening, well, apart from sexting an old flame Saturday night. Some raunchy texts about me wanting to be pinned against a wall!! Really someone needs to hide the phone from me! I was high and besides, He started it!

He did.

|Syndicate-The Fray|

Its what i want

Out of all the things i want is this world at this time as i write this, All i want is a passionate kiss, the kind that sucks air from your lungs, that kiss where you're held in deep embrace, the one where my arms are around his neck and his around my waist... The one that leaves you dazed and excited inside...

Is that too much to ask for?

|rainbow-Jessie J|

My letter to Life

Dear life,

How’re you doing? It’s been ages i know, since last we sat down and had a nice little chat. Forgive me for that, i’ve not had time to sit properly in recent times. Then again you knew that already! I write to you to ask you a few questions. I hope you won’t mind point form, i mean, you taught me to be as direct as possible isn’t it? Yes this letter to you could be a little bit angry but it gets happier i promise.

• What the hell did i do to them? By them i mean my friends. Wait, can i call them that nowadays? You’ll remember how i used to hang out with A, Diplomatic one, Big p, sir J et al right, i thought they were friends for life. SO tell me, why are they excluding me from activities or not talking to me or basically, being friends? They’ve not cited reasons. And i hate being in the dark. Or was that their goal? I keep finding out what they’ve been up to either by photos on the social sites or bumping into other friends telling me they didn’t see me at their recent get togethers e.t.c It’s not only embarrassing, but sad, to find out that news there, and to admit that you knew nothing about it. It makes sense though, i mean all year long there’s been all these things happening and i’m not there. I thought it was oversights at first but now i realize it’s just plain exclusion. Even when you’re told i’ll call you back or i’ll look for you they don’t. What to do? Do i say goodbye to them here? Should i still regard them as friends? Was i being a burden? I’ve got rights to ask these questions! But you won’t find me going to ask them why. Too late for that. I know they’ll read this letter addressed to you. They should know they shan’t need to explain why. I get their message loud and clear, I know when i’m not welcome/wanted. Life, you’ll help me move on?
• My heart is being silly! Why? I am healing after that brief month spent with that nice guy. But, i still feel a tad upset. Old me would have moved on to the next one. I was introduced to a really nice guy again but i’m afraid. Yes life i’ve admitted i’m afraid. I’m afraid if i like him i’ll get hurt again! Like business dating is about taking risks. But now like our haphazard Kenyan economy whatever i try ends up in failure. I can fail in books, i can fail at skills, but please, i don’t like failing in your field of, well, life. Give me a chance please!
• Can i be balanced? Because i hate it when my mood slides. Even though i’m doing something about it can you please help me be a balanced person emotionally? If i’m to help my peers i need to be just that, balanced. It also helps to be balanced when family is busy pissing me off over little things. Please, i need to find my balance!
• When did i start caring about physical appearances? Personally life, i knew i had a little belly, but lately it’s starting to take shape. My old yoga and mantra book which i lost when we moved house ages ago said the body is a temple and we should love it the way it is. I had no issue with my belly until that nice man, and two of my classmates pointed it out. Can i do something about it? Because it’s not sexy when you’re told you have a belly.
• Will uni stop stressing me? You’ll tell me yes, after i’ve graduated. But i want it to stop now. Fine i got my transcript which has acceptable grades (and an A for once this year) but really, when i’m told i’ve got to chase a lecturer to find out why she failed me in a simple subject that’s about the environment (trees, bushes, pollution e.t.c.) which i’m well versed in, i will not be amused. Can you please help me fix that? Because i know i read for that paper and my father will not be amused when i tell him.
• Sex? I gave in! It was nice but i didn’t feel accomplished. Am i bored of casual sex and the shag buddy concept? Because it was feisty but still in the end i was just like, “what next?”. Maybe i had i should have healed emotionally entirely? I’m confused!

Think about those those few questions i’ve asked you, please feel free to include solutions in your reply. I do have several things to be thankful to you for though, again in point form (i’m pissing you off with it isn’t it?)

• New friends this year! They are good people i enjoy being around, in fact i wish i met them earlier, they are people i can safely say i can grow around. They are wise! And fun too. I’m happy they appreciate art.
• Education. After 170 people didn’t graduate because of graft related issues, despite them being on the graduation list, i’m so thankful you’ve given me the gift of education! Even if i get a D in a unit i’ll either re-do it or pray the rest of the grades are better, because i can’t pay someone to alter a grade for me then they get caught and i’m told i can’t graduate. Education is expensive!
• Sanity. With all my dramas i was explaining my hag said it’s amazing i haven’t landed in a mental institute. Keeping a clear mind is a little difficult but i’m grateful i’m still in utmost capacity of myself.
• Those land-rover shoes! I love their comfort and ruggedness, they fit in anywhere from the muddy road heading to uni to the classy dancefloors of the city, just like the real thing. And we found them by accident!
• Me! The very same one that gives where he can when he has money or food and is humble when he doesn’t have money but still shares anyway.The same guy that eats in a banda (makeshift restaurant) eating rice and beans is the same guy that can eat in a nice restaurant. The very one that talks to people who come from upcountry to learn despite cultural differences is the same one that talks to polished men and women of higher society. Compared to some people i know who say they are this and that when really they aren’t, i’m happy with who i am and that i know i’m not full of pretence. And that i’m not embarrassed to share it with people. Even if i stay in an area that has monkeys invading, i’m thankful for me myself and i as a whole!

I’ve got lots of other things to be thankful for both empathically and materially but you get the drift. This letter is like thanksgiving one to you early. Thank you! I’m thankful i still get to wake up daily and experience life. Forever thankful for my health, family and friends. And my stupid heart. And education even if mid-semesters were stressing me.

I certainly hope things are good on your end, hope to hear from you soon.
x

with lots of love and colours,
Cuppatea

P.s By the way you’ll tell those monkeys i like my sleep on Saturdays lest i call wildlife services and mention they’re getting too much now. Cheers!

|Vox-Sarah McLachlan|

International coming out day 2011

Somewhere in this planet of ours today, a woman’s husband has come out as being gay!
Today is “international coming out day”. A day where gay men and women come out to their friends and family.
You’d think by telling my mother i’m gay indirectly you’d think there’d be relief in me right? WRONG! She’s behaving like a didn’t tell her. A friend says she’s not surprised, that she was confirming something, others say she doesn’t care. I want to know what she’s thinking but i’m afraid that might spark a fire? I’m not sure what i should do.

I’ve not come out officially come to think about it. My sexuality is what people call “a well known secret”. I don’t tell them and they don’t ask me. But if they do and i trust them then yes, i’ll tell them. Only because they see i cross my legs a bit more than a heterosexual!

moving on swiftly to other matters

So my bottle of vanilla flavoured rum finished this weekend! I’ll sound like an alcoholic and say “i needed it”. Because heartbreak has this wriggly, uncomfortable feel that makes me breathe shallow, agitated and not sleep. Waking up Monday morning was like rising from the depths of an ocean! Getting dressed i felt like things were genuinely going to be alright! That is, until i got to campus. I was apparently distracted in class, lecturer noting i wasn’t as participative as i’d normally be.
Even reading for my mid-semesters is proving a little bit harder this time, my mind keeps wandering off! But i always snap back into focus. I ended up finishing my first paper and being the first to walk out. I did the paper in 30 minutes, i think all the pent up energy reading came out on it.
Unfortunately i seem to be messing up as well, for example, i forgot to hand in a friends book, she called in pissed off with me, and the exam’s Friday, tomorrow’s Wednesday. I’ll leave a sticky note and maybe a fudge? I’d hate to be the reason she doesn’t pass the exam.
On top of all this, he still texts. He seems genuine in wanting to be friends. It’s still a little saddening/breaks my heart a little, but i understand where he’s coming from. It’s sad to be conflicted and have no one…I’m not defending him, just laying it as it is.

Meanwhile, lets play a game of “how long can cuppatea go without giving in to sex”! Everytime i chat with big daddy i just think of that muscular meaty body with an equally similar member of his. “My mind’s telling me nooooooooooooooooo!!! But my body, my body’s saying yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!! I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind…” R.Kelly had such fine bedroom music, what happened…

|Imbranato-Tiziano Ferro|

Unexpectedly single. Oh come on!!

How he made me giggle!

I met him earlier in the year and we’d been talking for a while until last month we decided to try and date. This one was different, he’s got the type of body i like but, he’s also quite smart! He’s on the down-low. Not many know of him. I didn’t have a problem with that though. He’s my opposite, i’m a little noisy, chatty and outgoing but he’s cool, reserved and level headed. I like how he walks like he owns the world, that always impresses me. He’s got confidence in himself.
Every day we’d talk. there’s almost 1000 messages between us! I felt safe and relief whenever we talked. I told him much about me, i mean, it’s what people do when they’re starting off something isn’t it? For the first time in many months, i felt i can open up to a guy again, start all over!
Of course as with every new….thing, there’s jitters and stuff. He was always worried that i would be disappointed in him, but on the contrary, i was so amused with him. Everything seems alright. Whenever he’d ask “why do you like me?” i’d always say “because you’re real.” I smile each time.

I was talking a walk with him today (a man that likes long distance walking! Rare!). The weather was warm and lovely, the flowers blooming, the wind cool, unbelievably happy i was! We talked about everything and anything. I even took photos of trees and flowers and he didn’t mind…

He asked me whether we (by we he meant us) would work. I said yes. But then, he painted the picture clear for me. Said i deserved better than him, his being on the DL and the fact he’s not really sure of himself (and other things, i can’t remember because my seemingly perfect afternoon came crashing around me), he generally said he wouldn’t treat me with the right sorta treatment i deserve.
I tried to protest but further explanation made it clear, he was letting me go. Really, i tried to reason but… Sigh, thats that. He wants me to be happy with someone else.

Tomorrow would have marked a month together.

Our walk continued, inside i was shattered. I went home, no going out for me tonight. Mother was at home, as was the rest of my whole family. They could all see something’s wrong. So i went to my room and i curled up and read my book, this charming man by Marian Keyes. Mother walks in. She asks me all sorts of questions, with me shaking my head with each answer.

I told her i got dumped. “by a girl?” she asks.
”noooo, a guy.” i say.

She walked out.

Dinner was ready and conversation carried on as usual, no comment about my statement, nothing. Yes i was sober! (maybe not now, coke and rum needed to write this) And there’s no way she didn’t hear that statement i said. So whatever happens now i have ABSOLUTELY no idea!

It was about time anyway.

So je suis la, we’ve decided to remain friends. It’s gonna be hard for me because my feelings for him really developed. But we’ll remain friends. God what a guy… All this leaves me wondering what’s wrong with me, what am i not doing and why the hell all my men related end up in bloody failure!

Currently, I’m playing Elton John’s Sad song (say so much) song. It’s an upbeat song that i enjoy singing to. I’ve been playing his music and drinking coke and vanilla rum! It’s the classic way of healing oneself! I can see various lectures about how this was just a short thing and that i shouldn’t be hit that hard, or how “someone will come along soon” or that i go and get laid. Please! I will not get laid! I'm not the cliche gay person that believes sex makes things better. No!

So i didn’t mention him because he didn’t want to be mentioned here btw.

This thing i call my life… sigh. I’m going to end up keeping away from men for a while. The week was crazy, horrid, In fact my father’s making my life frustrating (but that’s a story for another day). yesterday and largely most of today were nice until late this afternoon when aaaaall this happened. Excuse me while i pour myself another round! ME BY THE WAY i’m done!

|Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don't you tune in and turn them on,
They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much.

--------------->Sad song (say so much)-Elton John|

|

Him and His friend

 Him
A young slim man, partially tanned body, a little hairy, stands over a pool in afternoon sunlight. He wears nothing but light blue swimming trunks. Has a big smile on his face. His eyes glint with joy, pride, and curiously, malice! What’s interesting about this fellow is his swimming trunks, they’re incredibly short and tight! This seems to disturb the men around. Some are trying to hide looks of shock and scandal, others not so successful. They are uncomfortable. The ladies however, are smiling, because they can see this young man’s a homosexual and he doesn’t seem to care what others think. Besides, it’s a well known secret at their university that he is gay.
The warm afternoon sun. The young man stands at the edge of the swimming pool, clearly enjoying the warm kisses of the sun on his skin.
He stretches his tanned-to-light arms and puts them together, like an arrow. With one burst of “mhaha!” he jumps and dives into the swimming pool.
He doesn’t care other men are swimming at a distance from him. They are afraid. “Of what..?” the young man thinks to himself. “more space for me to swim!”, and continues to do a breast stroke. The rush of the cool water against him makes him swim faster. Exhilarating.
Sweet, sweet freedom of being himself, pride, adrenaline running through his veins! He doesn’t care about anything else except enjoying himself.

His friend
She is small, light and intelligent. Wears spectacles. She is in jeans, overlooking the exercise. Her friend is at the swimming pool. She knows her friend is a homosexual, she asked and he told her the truth. Good friends. She is asked, “why did you let him come, you know people say he is one?” and she promptly responds, “he is a club member, an active participant and he’s human. Let him be.” She walks to the swimming pool and says “hey, come here i want take photos of you!” Her friend swims to her and smiles. “are you having a good time?” She asks, and he responds “the best!”.
She is happy he’s happy.

---

A scene from my life from a different angle. This post is a scene from a club team building trip i had recently.

Birthday weekend 2011

I had nothing planned this year! I was going with whatever came first. My birthday was this weekend. So it wasn't Swahili-centric like my post last year BUT i still had fun!

I've misplaced my phone and bruised my arm in the process. What did i get up to? I spent it with friends this year (again). Friday saw me have lunch with a girlfriend and coffee with a friend of mine, both hadn't seen me in ages! I'll tell you this, out of all the milkshakes java has, vanilla will always be my favourite! Not so much the stomach pains i get afterwards (but utterly worth it). A friend of mine had travelled on business so we got to catch up at my favourite ice-cream joint with others. After outing ourselves with noisy conversation we promptly went to, yup, you guessed it, a bar! They insisted. A few beers later i went home!

Saturday morning! The usual "wake me up when September ends" updates on various sites. Famous song by American rockers Green day. I was taking my friend round to see yet another friend for lunch. And getting stuck in traffic for 3 hours in the process. Honestly, when it’s the end of the month it’s like people get their 2nd and 3rd cars out! The lunch was amazing despite some random awkwardness being experienced in the room, apparently one of them had issues with the host’s friend. Excuse me, i raided his alcohol cabinet and proceeded to down vodka. It seems vodka and i are trying to have a relationship again hahaha!
We return to the city centre afterwards, some friends of mine were meeting. They decide we’re going to this randomly hidden sports bar where shots were 100 bob! As the drinks come, the waiter spills beer all over me!! Great, i smelt like a frigging brewery! The waiter said “that’s a sign that it’s going to be a good evening!” Yeah, but it won’t stop me from smelling like a haggard drunk! Douche. We proceeded to a very nice pool bar at a roof of a hotel. There, we sat and talked more. Alcohol loosens tongues apparently. It started raining. I love rain, especially when i’m not caught in it. There was something wonderful and elegant  about the rain that night, especially pattering on the lit swimming pool. I was having a great time! After the rain, we went to that nice club i was introduced to the other day. We walked right in, apparently we left a mark on management last time. They even arranged our “little corner” for us! The music as always, was amazing! I was quite tipsy. At the club, this random guy comes to hit on me. His pick up line? “Buy me a tusker!!!” My response? “Boy please.”

A pulled muscle and 1.30am later we head home. I get into the house an hour later and throw myself on the bed, it was quite cold outside

.

Sunday Morning rain is falling… I woke up at 6am to work! Yes i couldn’t sleep anymore and i really did have a lot of school work to type. I didn’t think i was going anywhere…until i’m told “get out today’s the classical concert!” The largest mobile network in Kenya was having a large outdoors concert dubbed “classical fusion”. Performances by Ladysmith Black Mambazo (that name!) Sauti sol and various classical and jazz artists were arranged for the day. There at the event i bumped into so many friends and family! All the homosexuals of Nairobi were there as well. It’s sad, most of them didn’t know who the feature performers were, they came there to be seen. Right. The concert was very good! The weather behaved as well! After the concert we went to our friends’ apartment to unwind over drinks. I got quite tipsy (had been drinking all day at the concert, even Wyndown bought me a birthday drink---thanks!) there! My father called. Again i was intoxicated when i was talking to him! I wonder if he knows i was in such a state… More gin and tonic please!

I get home to find the whole house asleep! Whoops! I didn’t even eat, i just replied a few messages and slept…

…To wake up still high. Wonderful, i went for an 8am class in a state! The hangover didn’t come because i ate in between class. 3pm reaches and i walk out, wasted a whole hour waiting on a lecturer to come. As i left he came, but i was sooooo tired and i’d organized a proxy in class to take good notes.
So here i am at home, a whole year older! It was definitely a fun weekend! More adventures for me then… Cheerio!

P.s, it was really sweet of you to climb a mountain and still manage to garner energy to see me after! Thank you Mr. Giggles!  

|Nothing in this world-Paris Hilton|