Waking Up Celibate (Observation)

Ladies and Gentlemen, i absolutely loathe waking up to find myself holding the duvet tightly as a result of a very steamy dream. I woke up today breathing heavily and wondering where that  man i was under went to. There’s a few thoughts that ran through my head. Let me share some:

• “Oh my goodness it was just a dream? Noooo why am i awake? Damnit.”
• “Who was that guy? I can’t believe my he did me that way.”
• “I need to get laid.”
• “No wait i’m celibate!”
• “What was that position? Kinky!”
• “Damn that noisy gate for waking me up.”

Being celibate’s tough.

One more thing,

I made some changes to the blog, new look and less clutter. I like the colours. It’s very Minimal.

|Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)|

Summer Dreams

You’ll understand the title when you finish reading this post.

Pool Parties
Relatively drama free week. My friend was celebrating her birthday on Friday, and seeing as summer’s coming to an end, she threw a pool party at a local sports club. I didn’t wear my scandalously short swimming trunks this time, instead i chose to rock some conservative shorts. Obviously there was lots of alcohol so i shan’t digress there, BUT, there was loooots of eye-candy! And cake. And water. There were all these men with fabulous bodies! And thighs. And legs. The whole works. It was a hetero party but there’s was myself and two others representing the gay crowd. Girls generally like gay guys innit?
I have to write about the cakes. Cuppatea loves pastries and there was Pinacolada cake! YUMMY! It had pineapples and strawberries and passion fruit. It could only have come from Valentines. So so delicious…
When i was in the changing room with a friend getting dressed for the after-party, there were these guys who were changing as well, including one i was taking spy photos of (see what booze does?). He had this whole X-factor thing going on, big, not too chiselled but the muscles were clearly there, cute face, casual. I’m sorry, but i was so distracted giving him a side glance i didn’t realize that there were two guys behaving stupidly outside.
My friend pointed out that two others didn’t want to change with us in “the same room”. Yes we get it that we’re quite free with our expressions but boys please, changing clothes in the same room with homosexuals will not get you touched inappropriately, stared at, discussed about, e.t.c. We weren’t even discussing anything men related… We were just ourselves that day! So why does it warrant such behaviour from others? I understand not everyone’s comfortable with gay people but could you please be more discreet about it? Because there’s no way I’m going to “pretend to be like the guys” for your bloody sakes. Grow up.
The after-party was pretty chilled out. I had to leave early though, because somebody was rushing me to go meet them. This brings me to my next experience.

Blast From The Past
You all know him as Person Y, my former fling(or flung seeing as it was in the past). This was the persona that made me leave an after-party, because they threw tantrums over the phone. It was really hard to leave that party so i left when no one was looking, telling only a girlfriend where i was going so that she explains to others when they asked where i was. He was in a pub, NOT drinking (yet). He’s lost weight and actually looks good. In my head i was thinking “you can smile after that tantrum on the phone?”. The basis for this meeting was that he just wanted to see how I’m doing. To cut a very long conversation short, he wants to relive 2009 again!! And then it rained.
I’m supposed to meet him soon and give him a verdict about what i thought of his proposal. 
I can tell you now, it’s not going to happen. Even though he’s seemingly changed, drinks less, is out of home and on his own with his own income, No. I’m happy to be there as a friend, but please no relationship/anything. I just can’t handle that amount of drama that comes from him.
I shan’t even ride the train of “giving second chances”.
It just won’t happen.

Sweet Dreams
This has been on my mind for a while. I had this dream the other day, i was at the coast at a house. And i got into the house and there was this baby. When i saw this baby i was filled with so much joy! I lifted the baby up, cuddled them and held them against the sun with nothing but pure joy in my heart. It was a sunny happy dream and this baby just really made me happy. It was a baby boy called Sam. There was a connection to this baby that I’ve never really felt.
I woke up, and i woke my sister up. I was still feeling happy inside! But so confused. Not even men made me that happy! That was a feeling of happiness I’ve never felt before.

I’m still searching for the meaning behind this dream i had, why do such weird dreams keep happening?

P.S seriously thinking about putting a stop to this whole feeling for guys thing and thinking about other things like establishing a career.

|Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol|

3 Years & Writing

When you think of anniversaries, what comes into your head?

Today marks my 3rd year of writing about my personal life and amusing you with it.

Happy anniversary to me! Whooop Whooop!

|Buy My Love-Wynter Gordon|

Thought for Valentine

When everyone’s concerned about proving their love on this day, the 14th of February, i had this thought running in my head that i thought i should share:

“People wait once a year to buy expensive chocolates and gifts, I'd buy a fudge everyday and tell you "i love you." Love everyday, not just once a year.”

|Lucky-Jason Mraz with Colbie Caillat|

It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay

I used to be used to getting what i wanted when i was younger, but as i grew up (and getting older), it’s not that easy. Actually to get what you want, you’ve got to work hard for it isn’t it?

I went shopping this weekend with a friend of mine, ended up buying two nice leather bags which I’ve just restored. I even had a little picnic in central park with him, which ended up being some gay youth picnic after about an hour, as a result of people finding out where I’m at.. It’s delightful, and yet it still puzzles me how some of my friends, older and younger, still condemn the central and Uhuru parks? Beats me. I’ll carry a sun hat next time, a picnic basket and a bottle of wine.

So there’s this friend of mine who has moved back into the city from another city. He’s a very good friend of mine and was one of my first gay friends. Naturally he caught up with his friends, and during that picnic when he was filling us in, he mentions that he met up with a nice guy, they talk daily, they went out to clubs, and he generally likes the guy a lot. In fact he even mentioned the name of this chap, and that raised an eyebrow slightly, but i contained myself during that moment. You know, in my mind i was thinking “bloody small world” and then it clicked as to why i haven’t gone on a second date, and why i haven’t heard from the said person in a while…
Ladies and gentlemen I’ve understood why someone’s being a poor communicator with me, because the man my friend was talking about was the man i went on a date very recently! It hurt, i tried to cancel out the thought, telling myself to stop being silly and making assumptions… but unfortunately, intuition, and the ensuing conversation that came after, really confirmed everything. Leaving the park, i was thinking to myself whether i should tell my friend that i have interests in the guy? I can really just do two things:

• I could continue pursuing the guy and possibly wreck a good friendship and look like an utter bitch while I’m at it OR,
• Just leave the whole issue and start looking for someone else, whilst i watch my friend go after this guy, which is the ethical thing to do.

Truth is, they seem really nice for each other. They two have known each other for a while, and to the guy i had interests in, I’m still new and unfamiliar to him.
Sometimes life is so unfair, but because i love my friend and i don’t want to hurt any of them, I’ll let them be. My friend’s been through lots lately, i don’t want to make his life hell. The only thing is that i wish the guy told me that he’s not into me, or something really! I’d understand… 
I sincerely wish them all the best.

Celibacy’s hard. (hehehe, get it? Oxymoron! No? Sod it.) Lately I’ve been having very sexual dreams. I force myself awake or the alarm rings, usually with thoughts of “why was i upside down?” or “can these dreams stop!” And the worst one being “can that be pulled off in real life?”. Oh dear. Withdrawal’s baaaaad but I’m confident I’ll maintain this state for a long while.

Finally, She was one of the first sounds in my memory, because my mum used to play her music lots! Whitney Houston passed away Saturday. I’ll write up a post just for her real soon. The title of this post is my favourite song of hers.

P.s I can’t help it that I’m attracted to men! If i stopped seeing them, or stopped trying to find someone to be with, then surely what would the point of writing this blog be?

|Hungover-Ke$ha|

Enrique Iglesias - Ayer

In February

Please Bear with me, for my post titles get increasingly shittier by the day.  
Adventures
I got to go for a weekend getaway at a very nice chalet that overlooks the rift valley with a couple of friends. Father dearest funded the trip, and anyway I needed such a trip, it was nice to just get out and see something new! We hired out a car, bought food and alcohol and off we went. It’s quite far off the road, we even got lost at one point but nevertheless we found it. Amazing place, chalets, a golf course, tennis courts, swimming pools… Honestly such a place motivates me to get really successful in life and own such a place, or own a chalet in such a place, would make a smashing place to go away on a week’s break. There were so many butterflies as well, and birds too! Summer’s heat which turned the grass brown gave it this out of Africa feel, like I’m out in the wild. Well technically i was. But you wouldn’t have guessed it because the place had cable, a 40inch telly and a surround system in the chalet we were in. I’m in love with that place. I’m going to hint heavily at a set of golf clubs as a graduation gift! I need to get that whole course under my sleeve.

Muffled Killers
That was the name of a news feature on one of our local news channels. It was about gay prostitutes living with HIV. First of all, congratulations to the men in that feature, they were very brave and bold for allowing themselves to interviewed and being perfectly honest with themselves, as well as the audience. It caused a trend on twitter called #muffledkillers, and it’s still trending. Of course some were supportive but majority were just plain haters (including some gays and lesbians whom i shan’t name). I get it that reporter had good intentions in highlighting that there’s such going on in society, but really, was that title of feature necessary? And then It left me with a lot of questions. Do they tell their clients they have HIV? One of them explained that he’s educated his siblings with the proceeds from his services, but contracted HIV as a result. It’s sad but amazing. As Denis Nzioka (renowned gay rights activist here) put it, “you think your husbands are angels?”
Naturally i got homophobic slurs in school this week. People commenting on how it’s wrong, how they’re demons, how us gays are ruining society e.t.c. But it wasn’t until i realized how clueless some people are. In class this lady asked why there’s girls with short hair and look boyish, and why some men speak like women and behave like them. The lecturer told her that they’re gay. The faces of people were contorted into that of surprise, shock and anger. “why are they like that?” she asked. There was a silence.
And then i spoke. Carefully as possible, i told her “gays and lesbians are like that naturally. It’s not a choice, it’s just a part of their behaviourism. It has always been there it’s just that the people you see who are visibly like that embraced their true selves and are comfortable.” That statement raised many an eyebrow, but was not refuted. It was a small class of 8 anyway.
Any other comment heard or told to me has and will continue to be ignored by yours truly.

Dating
St. Valentines day is a week from today. Everyone’s making a fuss about it! Except me. Reaction from a friend: “OMG you’re going to be alone on valentine’s day???” Oh dear. It’s not a sin is it? And then they went on about how they’ve got into a relationship with a hot guy (he’s actually hot, go figure) and how he’s over the moon about it. In my head i remembered some documentary’s commentator saying“the lone antelope evades the lion and re-joins it’s group!” and find myself looking at another direction. “CUPPATEA!” he barks and taps my arm. “So sorry, i got lost in thought” i say. He thought i was thinking about relationships. Honey noooo, i was reminiscing about an interesting documentary i watched the other day! But i didn’t say that. I smiled and said, “i wish you all the best”.
Meanwhile, my date from last week is a horrible communicator. A girlfriend said that perhaps he’s just busy. Let’s do an exercise shall we, pick up your phone (or minimize browser if you’re reading this on it), go to your phone book, in the search field type a name in, and select it. Then, press the green “call pick up” button on the phone and carefully place the phone next to your ear. Have conversation. When done, bid goodbye and press the red “call end” button.
Was that difficult?

I wish he were a better communicator, because when he talks, he’s really good at it.

|Said It All-Take That|