Moving Along Swiftly

I'm alive! My silence was due to silly, silly exams I've been having. And writers block. And blackouts. Especially the latter. A friend said Electricity's become a luxury because of the rains, I totally agree.

I had to stop taking the pain killers for the body aches after a few days, because they were making me high. Stop smiling. It's serious! You try walking with blurry vision and a light head at 7am up a hill. With a bag full of books! I've written exams in various states but this time, in one of the papers, i had to bend over my desk so close to the exam paper, because my vision was blurry and, I also was looking at what I was writing... I'm pretty sure some of the lecturers will wonder what I was thinking when i was writing some answers to their questions. 

It also wasn't easy deciding to get up everyday to go to uni where people harassed me with so many questions. I replied with thugs happened to keep interrogations short. Nuns would throw their hands up in the air in exclamation whenever they saw me and asked questions. West Africans are a dramatic lot I suppose.

But I guess their prayers have been answered! Not only has my face healed up, I was able to sit all my papers, and even get my life (sort of) back on track. I've only just stopped sleeping with my big teddy bear because i could barely sleep at night without holding on to something, because I'd reel and rock as i remembered that experience... I can also sleep on any side of the bed, now that my face's wound has healed up and isn't sticky/in pain. Thinking about that experience brought me pain, but now it's just that. A thought. And I'm thankful because it's made me extra careful now, by thinking about my actions and this thing called moderation which I'll discuss another day. 

I should say Asante sana (thank you in Kiswahili) to all of you who've called me, sent me texts, emails, bbms, tweets, inboxes e.t.c. Even a visit! I'm fine now. Olive oil works wonders on the skin. 

So yesterday when i finished my last paper, I went for coffee and a concert with a girlfriend. They were both splendid experiences! Especially the concert. It was a jazz album launch by Christine Kamau "The Jazzist". She's a fantastic jazz musician. I went to some lounge for a beer in Westlands then i went home. Seemingly normal evening out. 

I got friend-zoned by a guy that i might have been interested in. Yeah that sucked. My overwhelmingly heterosexual male cousins tried to cheer me up. By laughing at me. I forgot i was out. It happens. I laughed with them anyway. One of my sisters has bible bashed me via inbox (she doesn't stay with us), I've not replied. Shards of Brimstone and fire might chase after me if I do so.

As opposed to being scared, or traumatized, an being an indoors hermit, you can clearly see that I'm my usual self (sorta). Just because I'm out to my mum officially (and some if not all family/siblings) doesn't mean that i can live my life the way i want. It's not really changed my behaviour. I'm a camp bottom with the mind not of a person that's 22. I'm not about to become a queen, or ultra fruity person. I'm just the same old cuppatea albeit with a harsh lesson learned about life and some personal aspect of me now out in the open. 

It's not like the movies where when a person comes out they go drag, or let their mums pamper them. It's just how it's always been. 

Well, I'm on a short break now. Not going out today, my wallet said so. But it's nice not to be in class, even if it's just for a week. At least there's season 2 of Mobwives to watch :-)

|Nakuru Sunshine-Christine Kamau|

Ordeal Most Horrid

Thank God I'm alive. 

Friday was an ordinary day. I went to uni to read. I visited a friend at her hostel. I came home, dropped off my bag and went to hang out with other schoolmates at a nearby pub. It's exam season so we hadn't seen each other in two weeks. 

I left my friends early, around 10:30pm. I wanted to go home early so that i could wake up early and continue reading. I wasn't that intoxicated. Anyway I left. I noticed as i was walking that the street lights were off. It's not unusual, these things are so buggered that they have their own days when they decide to be on or off. 

So i was walking along on the road near the back of my estate in darkness. There were many cars parked around as a result of having so many pubs and apartments nearby. But there was no one.
Or so i thought.

As i walked i felt something hard hit the left side of my face and before I knew it I was on the ground! I could see three figures but couldn't make out their faces. One of them started kicking me, and another was saying something like "shoga wewe". That's Kiswahili for "you gay". I don't know how i did it i just got up and ran before more blows came my way. I ran in lord knows what direction. And i ran. And ran. Not once did i look back. Instinct told me to just run as fast as my feet could carry me.

Again, I can't seem to remember but i came back to my senses when i noticed my surroundings. Mud houses with corrugated steel roofs, some rusted some new. There were narrow paths, and it smelt like sewer, garbage, mud and rain. It was drizzling. I didn't know then, but i was in the shanty town of Kibera. The lower end at least. Lord knows how i ran there! I walked around, it was still dark. Residents were not walking, i guess they were in their homes. I was so scared... I walked round i found myself in the same spot. It was like a freaking maze. I remember walking on a ROOF! That place was utterly disorganized so some places weren't level. The drizzle started turning into light rain. What's the point of moving around now, i thought. I at least had my phone, which had conveniently ran out of charge. Bastard thing. I ended up in a very narrow, blocked alley in between two slum houses. It was dry. I sat down, pulled my knees to my face and buried it in them. 

"Huyo ni Mtoto ama Kijana?", That was a lady's voice talking to another. She was asking her friend if i was a child or a boy. I turned round, stood up and walked out. They scattered. I looked at myself and saw that i was quite muddy. My face hurt, my body was in pain. My shoes ruined with mud. I needed to go home. Home was where my mind was at. 

I left that place, i saw a hill. I climbed the hill, stumbling a few times, and then i saw that it was a valley, and a forest on the other side. I could see a wide dirt road with casual workers walking. I decided to follow the road. 

I walked and walked. I kept asking fellow walkers what time it was. "7am.", "8am." they would say. Not one asked if i needed help. To them, i probably looked like a drunkard from a pub brawl. I just kept walking. 

I came across a road. I knew this road. Ngong road. I couldn't believe i walked that far that i found a major road! It was still the forested area so i walked on the side of the road until i found a bus stop near a prominent government high school. It was there that a man asked if i needed help. 

Luckily the previous night I'd escaped with my possessions, so i had money on me. The man looked like a fitness instructor, he was dorn in tracksuit clothing. Come to think of it he was quite good looking when i think back. Anyway a bus came before we finished that conversation. I hopped on it and went to town, CBD. That was a long journey. The lady next to me was gazing at me with a disapproving look, also thinking i was fresh from a pub brawl doing a walk of shame. 

When i got to town, i walked as fast as i could. At least people didn't stare. I bumped into a classmate who was going to do an exam that morning. He saw me and said "I've seen worse." He didn't ask questions, he just walked me to my bus stop and told me things will be alright. Bless him. 

When i got home, my mother opened the door for me. I could see worry on her face. This had turned into shock. She got me indoors and into my room. That was when all the emotions that i kept pent up in me came out. I first told her "mum I'm gay". She said she knew that already. She was hugging me as she was asking what happened. Then i told her, exactly as I've written above, my whole ordeal. I didn't even realize i was crying out loud the whole time. She got me to undress to check my wounds and for any assault down there. There was none. She called my sister, who was with her friend, to come home. Next thing i knew i was in hospital.
There, i got admitted, because they had to do x-rays, body evaluation, blood tests e.t.c. I was really scared, i hate hospitals, moreso when it's me involved. I got more injections that i ever recall in my entire life. They put me to bed, injected a pipe and had me on two drips. Apparently i was dehydrated, and the other was an antibiotic. I got injections for shock as well. Then i slept. I woke up later in the day, found my mum, sister and her friends. My brother was on the way. I felt less afraid and no pain. She said I had to spend the weekend in that hospital. I was really worried, i had exams the following week! My brother appeared and as usual he tried to cheer me up. Well, they did. But inside i felt horrid. It's barely been over a month since my family were in hospital when my cousin was in her final days and now look where i was. Anyway, they had to leave, the nurse had to come change drips and stuff. 

That night i barely slept. It's just horrid that whole hospital experience. The drip was uncomfy, i had a headache, and the bed wasn't that comfy. But eventually i slept. 

The next Morning, Sunday. I was hoping I'd get discharged that day. I was in and out of sleep until my mum came back with my brother. They said the doctor said I'd stabilized and that i could go home. I was happy, no more depressing hospital! They cleared me, but not before they gave me meds that make me literally, high. When i got home i informed my friends that i was alright, then got into my bed and slept a long sleep. I only woke up to have dinner and talk with my father on the phone. I didn't have a paper Monday so i could sleep in. Which i did.
I woke up Monday and decided to read. Being off the drip means my body would resume aching. But I wouldn't be hampered by my injuries. I was utterly determined to sit the exams. My face would heal slowly, the bruises peeling off leaving a bright pink scar from my eye downwards. I looked in the mirror and said in my head It's not that bad. It was. 

Today i went to campus regardless. I spent the day reading, answering people's questions about why i have a giant scar/bruise on my face and tackling an exam that wasn't that bad. I got through it. 

I have God to thank for keeping me alive. You know, I've been telling people I'll be fine, I'll be alright. A positive attitude helps get through such times. However I seem to be drifting off into thought. I've caught myself thinking about what I've gone through. It makes me unhappy. My mood's not quite the same, however much i try to stay positive about this. It drizzled this evening and the drops felt like pins hitting my bruise. Even in the shower this evening i stared at the bruise asking myself when it'll heal. It's just really not easy getting over this. People make it seem so easy in those reader's digests experience stories...

I don't know who those assailants were but i do hope something equally nasty happens to them, I didn't do anything negative to anyone Friday night nor did i offend people. All i ask is why the need to? Did they feel better when they beat me up? Right now i feel so horrid. I thought writing would make me feel better but It's not. Then there's the whole thing with my mum (and probably my family) knowing I'm gay now. It's going to be sooo awkward.
I'll just continue my routine life, finish up exams.

 I'll think of a way to get through this. 

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years (Official Music Video)

Easter: The Contents of Your Piss

I'm going to hell, on a first class ticket, for writing such a post.

Holy mother of Christ (Her name's Mary btw), Easter this year is AS BORING AS PISS! 

In fact the highlight of my Easter was the smell of my now defunct cappuccino as i peed. It was very exciting. I even giggled. Ksh210 gone down the drain, literally, barely two hours after consumption. Apparently, the smell is caused by urea being broken down, and ammonia being released as a result. 

So Easter's about a man, Jesus Christ (it's difficult not to put an exclamation mark after that name) who died and resurrected. He died because, you know, he got sold out, by a man called JUDAS ISCARIOT. How? He KISSED JESUS in front of the Romans! Then all hell broke loose! There was more drama than a Mexican Telenovela!!! And a Zombie. Zombie Jesus who went to heaven. 2000 years later we would end up having a 3 day holiday as a result. Sometimes i joke to myself that Judas was pissed off because Jesus was indifferent to that kiss, because apparently it was predicted.
It's like a modern day sorority tale, where the Alpha male predicts that the weird girl from class with a crush on him, will come kiss him in front of everybody else and then flee.
All for 30 pieces of Silver? 30 1980s Ksh 5 Bob coins? (Yes. those are actually silver i'm told.) What man decided to come up with a plot of selling out someone, and apparently the... indicator to arrest the person is to KISS THEM?? What the hell was Judas thinking?? Ati "When i kiss a man you'll know it's the person to arrest." Hahahahaha! Oh gosh, i couldn't write that without laughing my arse off! Judas you're so stupid, why couldn't you have said "The man who'll wear a robe of colour X will be the one to arrest." He was such a fucking idiot. 

Really, my Easter was supposed to be one full of noise! Instead, it turned into the following. 

Thursday was supposed to be an evening where i was to dance to salsa. Or attend a concert. None of that happened. I ended up staying home, because i couldn't get concert tickets to a woman i detest, because of a guy, who's trying to excite me emotionally. I'm doing my very best to be level about it. I was meant to do karaoke BUT AGAIN, it didn't happen. Pajamas are very fashionable.

Good Friday wasn't so good! Because of a family dinner i couldn't go to a wine-get together. It would have re-enacted the last supper, complete with bread. Again, Pajamas are very fashionable. 

Easter Saturday Involved some action called shopping. I needed a new pair of cheap headphones. Because I can't afford Bose. And Skull candy are UGLY AS SHIT. SHIT! Sony it is. They're very boring to look at. At this mall where i was, i had the aforementioned cup of coffee. I was sat next to a young family. Typical Kenyans in their early 30s. Beautiful woman, handsome man, adorable children. One of the kids decides to throw a tantrum. It was nice. Sooo adorable. I want a child when I'm well off. OR NOT if that's how they'll end up behaving! Smack the child into shape lady!
And then there's me. I was meant to have company, but it was pretty evident that it was a table for one. I didn't mind, I had with me...... a BOOK! Red Dust by Ma Jian. It's pretty cool, about this retarded man that decides to travel across China because he's divorced his wife and he's fed up of his bloody job. I've turned into this bloke that reads such books. Previously it was The Weekenders by a group of Brit Journos that went to South Sudan in 2002. Fun! I need pink Pajamas. 

Easter Sunday Will definitely be indoors, with me reading. After this day, there will be no drinking and or social activities until I'm done with my exams. Because I'm boring like that and I take a day to understand a paragraph. Or not. 

Easter Monday Repeat activities of Easter Sunday. Probably in the same frigging pair of Pajamas. Pink Pajamas won't make the pee process any more exciting. Or will they? Do you own a pair of pink pajamas? Is peeing an interesting process when you're adorn in them? Mail me. 

I reading this article at jezebel that ground my gears. I mean, it was very silly.It's about Gay Marriage Divorce. With and ending quote that goes like this "Straight institutions, the gays are coming for you. Watch out "staying together for the kids," "lame sitcom tropes about how awful it is to be married to another guy/girl followed by canned laughter" and "emotional affairs with the new guy at work." Your world's about to get rocked."  
I did my best not to roll my eyes at it. CLEARLY the author had a male figure stolen from her by some gay guy. Bitch.

I'm known for not replying forwarded messages. Especially festive ones that sound like this: "some people don't know how important their presence is...How good it feels to have them around...How comforting their words are...and how satisfying is the very thought that they exist...They wouldn't know, unless we tell them...like I'm telling you now...You are truly valued..."

I read that text and my first thought was, "how nice." , which quickly escalated into "how cheesy was that?", which in turn led me to reply "Yeah, me and 200 other phonebook contacts LOL".

They didn't reply. 

Now there's some bloke who's texted asking me who's helping you with cold bed sheets? Such silly questions warrant equally silly answers: "My Books and a heater. hahaha."

I don't expect a reply. 

P.s Asparagus makes your piss green, says that site edited by children. 

It isn't over 'till the Easter bunny says it is.

|Waltz From Serenade for Strings in C Major-Thaikovsky| 

I...This Past Weekend (April)

I felt so moody this past weekend,

I was pulled for bitchy moves by acquaintances this past weekend,

I went friend-visiting this past weekend,

I had fights with family this past weekend,

I saw what people mean by "you're uptight" this past weekend,

I felt what It's like to be alone when your friends are in a relationship this past weekend,

I had the most interesting debate with friends over the law and gays this past weekend,

I rested and thought about affect this past weekend,

I heard the rain come, first silently, then with a roar, this past weekend,

I decided to wake up and embrace life again, this past weekend.

|Beauty In Your Eyes-Deep Forest|