Me as at 30th June 2009

Oh dear. Accounting inpired today's entry's title. I wasn't really a fan of accounting but it seems fun when things are easy and you actually know what your doing....

I know i've been silent these last few weeks. I keep thinking of how im going to express myself in words but it has been rather difficult. Where do i begin? lets start with my love life.

What love life??? The D i met a month ago is not the same one i know now. Scratch that, i haven't seen him since the day of the heartbreak. You know something is wrong when you don't see your lover for that long without valid reasons. He's always busy. Or at home sleeping. Or not communicating. I'm getting tired of being the one to always ask "what time are you reaching the city" or "what are you up to" or "when am i seeing you".  Its painful. and somewha humiliating to me because i can't believe that i've met someone nice and he's behaving this way... Whats more sad is that he went to the party that was thrown on saturday without telling me; and note that i called him earlier that day asking if he would be in the city. WHATS GOING ON??!!?? i'm confused, because i dont know what he wants! I feel like this is a one way love happening and its killing me. World, this is killing me slowly....

So what can i do? I'm going to wait until the end of this week. If nothing happens, i'm going to move on. MY heart cannot be strung like a puppet for one to play with... Even if i stay single another year, it's better than what i'm going through.

I recently took my self to the RaMoMa art gallery in Parklands. FINALLY! I now know where it is! i've been looking for it all year, because it kept moving. But i believe or would like to believe that it has a permanent home there in Parklands. It's Absolutely beautiful! An old manor was converted into what is now the gallery... And it has like a little pond... very nice.
I went there to see the Africa Awakes exhibition. The previous day P and i got lost in westlands. Took the wrong Matatu and i didn't have a map. At the exhibition i met a friend of mine who happened to be on a date. And propmtly left him to show me around (thanks!). I love art. When i see art i see emotions. Physically expressed into wonderful things. Kamal Shah is an excellent artist. There are a host of paintings i liked, including a red one, of which i've forgotten the title...but it was wonderful. After the RaMoMa i went to a market. Alone. By the way i'm getting used to this alone business... A market called Ngara, where there are fabulous things at throw away prices. It was fantastic! i got two pairs of gloves for this cold and a leather bag that needs polish and it'll look decent, until i can close my eyes and buy a painfully expensive but fashionable Murse (man purse. see William Sledd's video blog on Youtube), or man bag as its more commonly known...

On that same saturday I met P. And his date. Whom i ended up having lunch with. It's nice to see he's met someone decent! i hope they last. I met A as well. And spec D who just keeps the laughter coming...

Sunday, this past one, I stayed home and typed term papers. Not my own though, my friends. They are from the Maasai tribe and they hate computers (why???) so i type for them. I went to visit A. He and his boyfriend were there, as well as spec D and another friend whom i'll call here Singer A. Obviously he sings. I didn't stay long. I had to go back home and finish. I didn't even ask if they saw D there... i was still confused about lots of things.

I'll write more once i compose myself... From the outside no one can tell, or so i think, that my mind conflicted with thoughts. I just look like myself...

Fate at work?

Things just got even more random that week!!!!

I was too meet D that day...not spec D but the D i met a few weeks back whom i'm soooo smitten with! I went to uni, then went to the city, which by the way took two long hours because i used a different route! I'm NEVER using N'gong road again to go to the CBD.
I got to town and met a whole host of people that afternoon! D was supposed to be one of them. I meet P and talk abit, tells me to meet him at a pub, i had to find out where D was...BUT i got distracted. Grills came with his friends and the funniest things happened, one of his friends had a date with someone. Another friend was meetingthe same person an hour later. it was funnty when they found out..
I head to the pub. There i meet P and his friends, and sitted on the bar stool was D! P said he tried to warn me (how?). He's witth a friend having lunch... So i said hi and that when he's availabe he could come sit with us. I thought it would be rude of me to just butt-in...

He sits behind me, the table where P and i are sitted is full of friends. I excuse myself so that D and i could go have a chat. This is the serious talk we've been wanting to discuss. We walk a friend to a bust stop then we walk to another restaurant... We talk about random things...I can't even remember, but i was so nervous! At the restaurant we sat and talked. He asked what are my expectations of him. I told him this and that (this and that meaning i wanted to start off slowly) which he wanted...but said he's broken people's hearts because he stops liking them or something, so he just wants to be friends.

The LOUDEST silent moment in recent times. In my head i was thinking so many things, i know he likes me and i like him but why???? I was in shock. But i conformed and said "i'm happy as long as your happy". Where that came from i have no idea...i was still in shock. I think it was even evident because he changed the topic to hobbies...

So i composed myself and carried on with the conversation...It was time to leave the restaurant to join the others at the other pub. Funny thing is, as we're walking my heart was getting heavier and heavier...And when we got there i was in a mood. A very sad one. Luckily i saw my fabulous diva friend, whom we will call fabulous M, was there with his sister and his sisters friend.
"honey whats wrong?" he asked. "Rejection", i said. They ll tried to cheer me up. With 3 rounds of drinks. Zappa and redbull mixed. A friend of theirs joined us, who schools with my friend in Florida. They really cheered me up, but i still felt awful! Absolutely awful. It was time to leave. As you'd have it on that friday i was cooking. It took 30 minutes to tell the bar goodbye. Half the bar was full of friends of mine.

I got home and cooked in a tipsy state. Eve my brother noticed. After that i went to my room, i wanted music and nothing else. And in my wardrobe lay hidden a half litre bottle of richot brandy. I like it's taste its realy good. I listened to cheerful music shockingly....and drinking in the process. My facebook status updates that evening were worrysome i'm told. I was a wreck... I felt like life was just against me.. i even fell down in the room at one point, think i wanted to switch off the light or something. The last song i remember listening to was Alesha Dixon's "breathe slow", after that i blacked out.

I woke up in my bed!! inside my bed. I wonder how i got in.... To stand up to go to the bathroom was something of a challenge. I still felt drunk! high! head spinning! then i remembered why. Downed a whole half litre bottle of brandy... I'm still amused.
I went back to sleep. I did check my messages though. And in there, in the inbox, was a message from D. He said he was sorry and asked if we could try things out... I looked and laughed silently...blackout again.


At around 9am i woke up, this time hangovered feeling like a traffc jam of vehicles, a freight train and a cargo plane ran me over....ouch. Amazing how my mother didn't notice (or did she?). Then i remembered the text. Inside i felt joy, and something else i've never felt with that feeling, relief. I interrogated him, asking if he felt the same way about me as i did him, he said yes, i asked him if he wanted to date me, he said yes. JOY!!!! what was all that drinking for then? sigh....
I promised my friend whose name ALSO starts with M, i'll call me Scholar M because he's still in high school in his final year...but amazngly mature. I was also to go enquire about various laptops for my brother.

>>zoom to town>>

OH MY GOD walking hangovered is hard! and i was hungry! I didn't eat since the previous afternoon! He came and we went shopping for new walking shoes. Bata have these shoes called umeme's that are SO COMFORTABLE!!! my vaans died...their soles became really hard. and eventually got a hole (WTF??). Clearly i walk too much.
My friend F, who's tall, so Tall F, came. He was concerned about my updates of the previous night and wanted to talk. We would talk on the way to Adams Arcade, a place that has a really good clothes market, so good that foreigners go there! On the bus, a vulgar man advertising a herbal clinic and describing ailments. In kiswahili. I haven't laughed that hard since spec D was telling me stories.

We shopped....I got fluffy paw shaped slippers! i had to have them... by that time ny hangover went, and hunger came knocking again. We had to go back to town to meet K, tall F's really good friend who's my friend as well...We had lunch at a very interesting a tall building that had a great view of Nairobi....

5pm reached and i had to go home. I was zombie tired and i just wanted my bed and music....i got home, ate and unwound, thinking about him, thinking about life and me in general. where will things go from here?

as Enya sings, 'who knows, only time.....'

Of parties and men...

This is a 'Manyanga'. One of many forms of transport in Kenya.
Thats a 'Matatu'. The small van in red, green and Lord knows what other colours. Public transport in Kenya!
Hell yes. Arty isn't it?

Yet another interesting weekend gone by....The pictures above shall be explained below.

Was spent at home trying to do school work, because my date cancelled on me the previous night (ouch!).
Im looking at my cuoboard when suddenly Emo M (decided to call him that) came along... The police had pulled his Matatu (public transport: a van, either rusty, pimped out or just a van with seats) was pulled over by cops near the police station near my home. So he popped by, and ended up derailing me in the end.
Off to the city where we meet A and P having drinks at java. Mind you, we just sat seeing as we had no intentions of leaving. Everyone os talking about the party thats being hosted the next day. i keep telling people im not going because getting permition from my mum for a "sleep over" is rather difficult...
After that we venture around the city. We were joined by Gothic M and his boyfriend. Gothic was recording voices again and as usual i helpeed. my quote was to be aired on sunday... We go into a shop that sells random stuff like bags, rings, chokers etc. I see the prettiest ring written LOVE. I fell in love with it and had to have it but funds were limited so i reserved it.
Everyone disperses later, leaving me with no choice but to go home. Passing through my favourite cookie shop on the way. How i was going for the party i had no idea at the time.

Turned out to be rather interesting.... there was this school event which i had to attend and a class. I asked my mum if can go to A's place for "movie night", she said yes. I think she knows movie night means guys night out. I school, the class was cancelled! i could leave the school early. I rushed to town (ok it took 2 hours; no matatus or manyangas; manyangas are bigger versions of matatus, minibuses. normally noisy and popular with the youth. see pictures above) and paid for the ring. This ring would stop unwanted people hitting on me! It so worked at the party...
Later went to A's only to see another good friend S with A and T. I haven't seen him in the longest time! Did the usual catching up. We went to his place because the party would be hosted in that area. As we go we get really wet. Yes, it rained, HEAVILY! I'm so lucky i didn't dress up for the party, because i got soaked. We had to dry our clothes at S's home.
I wasn't dressing up for this party. I was rather tired of tight jeans and a funky top. A plain Black t-shirt and cargo pants did the job well. We walked to the party, and getting there they were serving free Mojitos! interesting drink that was. I had THE WORST stomach ache ever, reasons unknown. It made me so still and silent that when i was sitting down, guys actually passed me for a top. Imagine that, A TOP! SHOCKER!!!!
Otherwise i ended up dancing and meeting some new people. One of my straight friends was there as well, who got me unbelievably drunk...He and my lesbian friend combined can get the most sober person drunk!
My ex was there as well. He looks even better now, hes lost weight and is more muscular. Still feel void of any feelings for him though. A drunken wilf is very random. I kissed my straight friend on the cheek, twice (ayayaya!) and made out with a person who broke two of my friends hearts. Still i felt nothing, just some cheeky excitement. It's funny i remember all this.
We went Back to A's place at 4.30am. Thats the earliest I've left a party of that kind. By the way there were many lesbians at this party. Much more fun...
Black out at 5.30 in T's bed, the cushions and the sofa were being occupied by P and a guy we shall call Spec D. why? He wears specs.

Woke up with the WORST hangover ever! I remembered i had an economics term paper to do, which was due the next day (bloody hell!). I didn't carry the little blue guy (laptop) so i did it on my blackberry. Some Canadians would be so proud.... Its one hell of a device!
Did half of that paper on it. The rest of the was spent at A's lounging. Spec D was seriously making us laugh! I haven't laughed like that in ages. Laughter is good for the heart in my opinion.
Spec D and P are trying something out. All the best to them.
5pm reaches and i have to go home. Home was silent! I could unwind and finish the paper... I missed my dog.

Is hell! I had my classmates work to print and the school printer was not functional. The result? see a Madagascan member of the church who is a resident IT guy here. Printed it out. one stress out. I had to tell y management lecturer that my presentation wasn't ready he allowed me to push it to Wednesday.
I had to finish a marketing skills presentation that day. I ended up sleeping at 11pm.

Tuesday (the 9th)
Oh gosh the presentation went well. 8 pages of Market segmentation typed and presenting. I was irritated at one point because my classmates were talking during the presentation. I made the two of them stand in a corner kindergarten style. God it felt good punishing them! All the lecturer could do was make them conform with my punishment...hehehe.
The statistics CAT was awful! i wont discuss it.

I'll stop here, i need to go home and cook....

"That" side of a clique: again

What a long weekend it's been for me. I have been on a small break since Thursday evening...until today, Tuesday the 2nd of June. It was a public holiday on Monday...

I went to school as usual, because there is no way i'm staying in the house doing nothing...I went to get research for my random term papers and assignments. Then i went to the city center. I went to this very random restaurant that has wireless internet so that was a good place to go. Or so i thought. I met my friend P, and went to get another friend, M, then we went there. After like 20 minutes or so, one of those loud mouths came, the one i was discussing in part one. He came with a friend. Thats where it all begun. BY THE WAY the service at that place was not up to scratch. The food as well. I've been accused of having high standards though. So they sat. It was a polite thing to ask them to (never again!) to sit with us because they looked like they wanted to join. So they did. And the stories came. Now, i'm a hypocrite. I will look like i like you but deep inside i just don't. That was me on Friday. More people came including a very unpleasant character who had insulted me on someone else's profile thinking that someone wouldn't tell me. He apologized. Though really i didn't feel it....More came. They tried to hate on my other friend M, the one i made up with. I told them in a very sugar coated but very icily not to. they stopped.

Then my world stopped. A very nice guy i met last time came! he's really nice. Called D. (i should really find a way of referencing these friends of mine lol) He's a year younger than me. BUT REALLY GOOD LOOKING! and shy. Conversation afterward was limited to normal things. The time for me to leave came. All my other friends were staying behind but i just really wanted to go. talk had started getting out of hand again. D also wanted to leave. After i took his number that is. He walked me all the way to the bus stop and during that time, we talked about lots of things. Even flirted abit. I thought it was very nice of him to do so. He didn't really have to leave but he did anyway.
I left the city smiling...

The European film festival was on this day (it's been running all of May) and i promised my really good friend i'd watch a film with her. Got to the city as usual, and A told me to call him when i got there. So i did. Met another friend before that, C, who was waiting for his boyfriend. As we left he got tired of waiting, he was not amused. Anyway A wanted to eat and i was thinking of this really nice place near the French cultural centre. I was told it's a Hot spot so i wanted to go see. As we walk we meet another friend, M. Ok Gothic M, he likes Gothic stuff. He was looking for plot as well. He tagged along. we got there, and the place wasn't too bad! the service was though. But it had decent speed. Here i would wait for NY, the friend i'm to watch the film with. Another friend M, fine this one will be.....ok i'll come up with a name. He came with his friend grills. why grills? He wears braces. On that day A and Gothic M were on a roll of making fun of me. Its fun the first few time but then afterwards it gets upsetting. NY came, And i was more than happy to leave. All these nasty comments about me or my life kept coming. Wasn't happy at all.
The film was amazing! About A agerman kid from the suburbs who ends up peddling drugs. That sucks. But it was really good! Afterwards we called A, to find out where he was; At the Maasai market. Didn't enter though. M and grills and his other friends left. We went to a very nice Ethiopian restaurant. OH MY GOD THE FOOD WAS AMAZING!!!! I even made a new cocktail... A mixture of Zappa and Kingfisher. I was tipsy after that.
We joined by A and Gothic's friend and boyfriend. Gothic's boy has a really deep voice. They were going for a party that was being hosted that evening. I didn't go. On the way home we were derailed! we met Gothic's friend M (another one). Ended up making a new friend. very nice chap. We went to another sports pub, i had a soda and had to leave It was 9pm and i had to be home at that hour.
D called me just to check up on me. I ended up making plans for a date with him this Friday! i look forward to that. I got home and slept. I didn't even eat.

My cousin is home. He came on Friday night. He's bigger now, more muscular i noted. And more mature! i'm pleased. Woke up bleeding hungry; my dinner was eaten. Again. Luckily big sister rescued me with abit of hers. She Was also out. Laziness shall be the order pf the day!
And so it was.

I took my cousin shopping. I also bought quite a number of sweaters. I didn't really want to stay in the house. And the sun was out so it was a really brilliant day for shopping. He treated me to lunch. And his flight back home was in two hours. Will he make it, i wondered. Got home and helped him pack. I had my neighbour come and take us to the airport. I like airport runs When its not me leaving. Too chaotic. I also might have seen the last of the rains there. The weather is really changing. The cold is coming soon. I don't look forward to it. I hate cold. Before i slept, i texted D. He was on my mind all day long.
I really wish something good comes out of this. I have no idea what my heart will do if it becomes a shear disaster...

more later...
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