At This Moment

Mellow music has this ability to calm me down. Not that there's anything wrong, but when you come from long days from school or work, It's such a nice thing. Especially Jazz or Classical music.

I'm thinking about how there's a long weekend coming up, and there's not much to do. My colleagues (fun lot they are) are travelling to the coasts or mountains, and I'm going to be right here in crazy Nairobi.
My friends are going upcountry and my family are coming home. My dog is dirty and she needs a bath. My wardrobe's a mess it needs to be arranged. My wallets empty so I can't shop. My chat session with a few individuals have topics such as one being in company with Miss World, to another discussing how his name is similar to a Xhosa. My dinner is chapatis with some bean curry I made. My phone is flashing a red light.

Agua De Beber by Astrud Gilberto's playing.

I'm talking to a guy, tall, dark, a bit lean, with a deep voice. Seems to be into me. He has a nice nickname. But he seems possessive. But he's humle. Perhaps I'll know more when I meet him a second time. I'm also talking to another guy. Seems not so humble. Chubby, a bit pot bellied. Never met this one but at least he like Latino Jazz. I'm talking to them on chat.
I stepped out for dinner.
Then I logged back in. My exes are online. I want to say hello. But I think again and continue checking my notifications. Some fool called "SwaggStephan Swaggalkoholik Swaggattraktion" has commented on something. With a name like that.

My playlist has changed. Miracle By Ocean Lab's playing.

After replying several emails, I think I'm ready for bed. I should finish writing this. On my bed on the quilt next to me, my dog is lying down. I've tried to push her into a proper position but she seems to want to sleep squat in the middle of the bed. I may either have to crouch, push her off with my feet or sleep with my legs apart.

Life's interesting.

|Breaking Ties-Ocean Lab|

X-Men Gay Wedding


For comic nerds like me, i think this is beautiful. Archie pioneered gay marriage in comic books, but for a comic like x-men, it's absolutely epic. Full story here.

Briefly: 4 days

On Sunday, I had a delightful cappuccino with a good friend of mine.
I'd not seen her in ages, I had lots to tell her, from my incidents to going celibate, to general issues. In other news, I'm in thought about religion again.

On Monday, I went to work and got inducted formally as an intern. This involved plenty of alcohol, and I had to wake up normal time the next day...

...Which I did quite well on Tuesday Morning. Analyses are fun when you're squinting at a screen thinking how i ought to be ashamed of the previous day's activities. Pffft I need to loosen up more.

On Wednesday I had a feeling, like something good's about to happen. It's a rare one. By the end of the day, I couldn't help but ask what that something good was going to be? It seemed to be so routine.

So far, On Thursday (this day) I discovered a good song, beauty in nature (in the form of a most excellent sunrise, it had gold, red and amber rays against a light blue sky) and that's about it.

|No Ordinary Morning-Chicane|

Briefly: May Edition

  • Bought Mother a bottle of wine for Mother's day Sunday. She was happy. 
  • Thesis defense this Friday (yes, we do this in undergrad) is starting to seem scary.
  • Work's not bad, definitely an interesting way to break into the employment world.
  • Why can't I take the office tablet home? I will nag.
  • Rain + shoes = Shopping. Few formal wear + job = Shopping. I need to go shopping.
  • I'm 5 months celibate. Where is this getting me? I shouldn't be thinking about this. #TeamCelibacy
  • Emeli Sande's Our Version of Events. Lovely.
  • And life continues. 

|Clown-Emeli Sande|

From Within, My Perspective Seen

I want to go sit at the top of the hills, away from the noise, in between It's rills.
I'm very happy President Obama's made it clear that he's pro-gay. Of course I'm not expecting any action, but it gets the wheels for equality moving, making it gain momentum. His aides say It's not an act, just his own personal opinion. But nevertheless a comforting feeling to know that the most powerful man on earth supports gay people. Here in Kenya, the debate just gets fueled more by his speech. It'll be interesting to see how things pan out in the coming weeks. I don't think my mum's happy about it; She left the room when the homosexuality argument came up on the news. I think she was fed up with the day and that last bit of news didn't amuse her. Me, what could I do? I followed suit. Today I bought her wine for mothers day. A sangria, her favourite. She beamed and smiled and gave me two kisses. I felt nice. Went back to what I was doing.
With a heavier heart.

I want to soak my feet in the sand by the sea, but It's so far away from me.
After my internship interview (ghastly experience, could've done better with my presentation; I got accepted though), I got invited to spend an afternoon with him at his request. He did such a nice thing, he made me take a nap on his bed when he left for a short while, because he saw I was quite tired from my day's activities. I couldn't help but smile. Such a small action means so much. I think his friend knows I'm gay and that I've got a crush on him. I still smiled sheepishly. My conscience keeps telling me He's bisexual, don't go there. And while I'm listening to it carefully, I just have this urge to hug and hold on to him, as seen in the gay film Children of God. I want to pick up the phone and call, but I catch myself midway, and put the phone down. It's so hard trying not to feel for him. It's the first time in a long time someone makes my heart skip a beat whenever I see them. Life reminds me that It's an unjust world. Letting go of all this after...this. Need to focus on finishing undergrad and starting work.
He'll never know how I feel about him.

I want to feel the gush of rushing air, from howling winds that scare.
Such strange dreams I've been having lately. Such as the one where I was abroad. It looked and felt like London. Naturally, there was a man. Taller than me, curly hair, defined meaty body. James. There was an Asian girl, Lakshmi. Long, black hair, also taller than me. Beautiful. She had a baby. James and I went to see her. It's the journey there that I can vividly remember, down to even how the air smelled like. It had just rained. There were fallen, yellow leaves on the ground. He held my hand as we walked. And then there was a bar. And a set of cards. James, some figure I couldn't figure out, Lakshmi and I. James had a bottle of whiskey and kept downing a shot after every card he picked. "Aren't you pinting a bit much?" I asked. He laughed and told me "Don't worry love, With you I'm safe." I felt happy. So happy. On the way to Lakshmi's house we walked by a cemetery. It looked very old. He pulled me closer. Then I woke up.
I can't figure out what this means.

When I'm ready to be, mother nature will find her way to me.
I am different within a different society. I know. I thought the sky was so beautiful the other night, it had rained. There were large nimbus clouds that were illuminated by the large moon against a dark blue night sky. The few stars that were revealed by gaps left in between clouds glittered brightly. It felt very majestic seeing the clouds move slowly, in their odd, greyish-whitish-blueish colour. It was very quite outside. Had trouble sleeping that night. It was 1.30am, and I was getting drinking water when I thought of stepping outside. Back in bed I closed my eyes and all I saw were those clouds, moving slowly.
Seeing the world differently.

(N.B I feel, therefore I am.)

Thoughts Unedited: Rainy Edition

  • So you Subaru'd me about my dress code. And scar. You Dumbass, I wasn't stood far away from you, what; you with your cheap Chinese jeans, shoes and shirt! Recognize Chino's, land-rovers and Ralph Lauren. They're not as vividly coloured as yours, but they're a brand people recognize, and they're subtle. By the by, It wasn't even your event, yet you were running around like you hosted it? Next time, stand far away from me when gossiping. Dumb Bitch. (N.B Being subaru'd means being tweeted about without mentioning your username/name. Now it means gossiping about someone whilst making lousy remarks about said person.)
  • I'm being lectured from iPads this semester. Why do I still have a book and pen?
  • I get a small bout of sadness each time I look at myself a mirror. Stupid discolouration on my face needs to go.
  • Curse you, vulnerable heart of mine; He's bisexual. Yes, We learned from past mistakes. Yet my heart skipped a beat... It's always the sweet attitude, stocky ones that tickle my fancy. Not going to happen sadly. It'd be same script different cast case.
  • I'll be most glad when these nightmares stop.
|Kiss Me Slowly-Parachute|

May things get better

It's May!

I'm glad my holiday's a week long, I'm already bored of being indoors.
It seems that every holiday, something happens to the Ayah such that I become the "Consuella" of the house. (Consuella is a Female Hispanic name usually associated with house keepers)
It's boring! And tedious. And I'm not being rewarded for this effort because it's "Moral Good" or some BS like that.

I've finished yet another book (Red Dust by Ma Jian--His works and himself, are banned from China) and embarked on reading another. Some self help one by Anthony Robbins. I didn't have electricity for most of the weekend because of some meter issue (now rectified).

I notice when i shower my face's scar turns purple. Oh good God i pray It's not a permanent thing. But I totally place my trust in olive oil. It works wonders in food and the body. Especially in food! Speaking of which, i was experimenting with dishes, and i was looking for recipes online. I stumbled upon this recipe and it's SO DELICIOUS! I'm afraid that when i end up living on my own, I might become fat.

My friends are still calling me, shocked at my ordeal. They ask me why I'm talking so lightly and carrying on like nothing's happened. Here's my answer from a phone call i had a couple of days back:
"...Simple......because that would be letting those bashers win! If their intent was to harm me and disable me from being myself and living my life like any other individual, they did not succeed. I'm not about to let them win by limiting my social life, being traumatized by that experience or feel sorry, or worse still, ashamed of myself. I'm so much better than that, and by carrying on with my life, it is I that has ultimately defeated them."

I'm feuding with my eldest sister. She's not happy with me and thus feels the need to bash me (with words) constantly. I've resorted to ignoring her. Talking to her is like talking to a wall. The other bible-bashing sister still hasn't been replied to. At least there's my normal-ish sister (the one i came out to years ago) who seems to care. It feels very lonely when many are against you, but nice to have at least one who's got your back.
On that topic, I wish good things would happen to me for a change. I'm so tired of all this negative energy that seems to be enveloping me lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that I've made a full recovery and that I have < 3 months left of undergrad, but it would be so nice if good things started happening with all the effort I'm putting into life. I'm doing my best being optimistic with life!

Finally, It's randomshing's and gayte-keeper's blogging anniversaries, cheers to the both of them!

|La Cose Che Non Mi Aspetto-Laura Pausini|
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